Cowards, all of ye!
I have a lot on my mind today, prepare for multiple posts
At the end of the day today, one of my favorite webjournalists is locking her diary. It was too brutally honest, she says. She hurt people, she says.

I don't know if I buy this backing down that she insists is respectful. Respectful to whom? To the people who couldn't handle honest opinions? Respectful to an open self which is now acquiescing and hiding with the fear that other people can't stand what is said?

Ok, if you're actually being mentally honest and someone can't handle it, I say blow them. However, I do completely agree that writing in anger and in spite (Especially gossiping) for all to see is unacceptable. If you're venting, make sure it's know you're venting. But backing down and covering up an honest emotional expression is crap. Most people never even get that far. Most people write tripe (some of it is at least intelligible). Most people apologize for existing and go back to their humble lives no further enriched from their interaction with the world, with the WORD.

DO YOU HEAR WHAT I AM SAYING?

I am saying that it PISSES me off to hear someone that actually said something that took courage and introspection back down from their voice. Granted, this person may continue to have a voice, as she says, in private but to hear someone retract their voice from the outcry at all still saddens me. No one says anything any more. We're all too afraid to upset the great social calamity that is life.

This is a person I've read and respected for being so honest. Who I could relate to in more ways than one just because she kept an open word. Our lives should be an open book. And now, she says...

"If a magical genie offered me one wish right now, it would be that I could take back all the harm I have caused. Of course I can�t do that. I don�t know whether amends can be made. I truly hope they can. But I have certainly made apologies in the past, have been forgiven, and have fucked up yet again anyway. This time though, I am learning my lesson. The one positive thing this situation has taught me is that I must learn to think about how my behavior might affect others. That I am not just responsible to myself, but to people I care about and I have a responsibility to their trust in me. That is far more important than my own flight of fancy being �honest in the moment.�

"The moment is never really honest anyway. The moment is not the whole picture of things. Not at all. It is fine to be honest with yourself in the moment, to write down in your own paper journal how you are feeling. But I have discovered how wrong it is to say such things publicly. I wish to God I could take it all back. I am appalled and astounded at my own lack of judgement. And I sincerely hope that anyone who reads this is as well. I really really hope that everyone understands exactly how immoral and unfair some of the things I have written here are.

"The way I have behaved is abusive. And cruel. And there is no excuse for it. And for the rest of my life I will have to live with the knowledge that I did something absolutely terrible. And I am sure karma will give me my just desserts."

Fuck this. I want to be honest. I want to hurt and be hurt but more than anything. I want to be REAL.

No one can make me REAL but myself.

Will karma give you your just desserts for speaking out, for being who you wanted to be, for taking a moment to be heard? No. The people who were hurt or offended by your true feelings will take that moment into themselves... perhaps it will change the nature of your relationship but it is up to THEM to cope. If lying or withholding is the only way to keep yourself happy, so be it.

I want an honest voice but I, too, am afraid. We are cowards, all of us, looking for a soulmate in the darkness, too afriad to ask, too afraid to listen. Too afraid to be hurt.

Pain isn't good, especially emotional pain. But it's real. It's better than living in denial.

But this online journal phenomenon is outstandingly confusing. I don't want to be anonymous, I want to be my true self to the people I know and the people I don't know. But I do value the friendships I have over the trite fantasies and amalgamations in my head. I would never publish a private conversation or record a spiteful thought about someone unless that even became so monumentous it was an intgral part of my existence. How do you avoid hurting someone while still remaining true to yourself? It seems simple enough not to gossip but it's also too simple to lie and talk around in circles... I know this already.

I guess that's why I do like locked posts, a sort of neccesary evil. Locked journals I feel are redundant. Keep a paper journal, don't tempt us. And never apologize for your words. Apologize for your hurt but don't revoke your voice.

I guess what I'm trying to say is please those of you who have a voice, never give it up, never censor it. And those of you who are struggling for a voice, speak louder... some of us do want to listen. Some of us do want to understand.

Sigh.

I don't want to end up in that same place, I really don't. I don't want to feel I have to retract my words. (Apologies and forgiveness are another thing entirely; they are wonderful) My voice is here to be heard. Take me or leave me. Love me or hate me. I don't care.

I am. I breathe. I speak.

Hurt me, I dare you. And if I hurt you, I'm sorry, I speak what I feel.


(call me an insensitive bastard, whatever, it's been a long couple of weeks and I'm just craving a fight, a connection, intellectual discourse.. intercourse... anything. And fuck my brain, it's giving me crack dreams again. UGH. Stupid subconscious.)