She gave you a flower...
the one that God gave her
Well, since we're all being so candid lately, the subject of tonight's post is Virginity.

More accurately, the "loss" thereof. (damn thing, I think it's somewhere in the closet with my sexuality...)

I'm just curious and I want to do a general survey. How old were you when you "lost" yours? Do you still "have" it? What does all that mean to you? Well, here's a few things to think about... I'll be honest if you are.

I consider myself to have been "deflowered" three times to varying degrees of intimacy.

I first gave myself to someone mentally, emotionally, and all with all the physicality I could manage when I was fourteen. They do say distance makes the heart grow fonder. But Jesus... it took me a few minutes of back counting to acurately determine that fourteen was the right age to write. Granted, it was the end of fourteen and that WAS only six years ago (ONLY six years??????) but... shit... wow...

That emotional and mental connection is "sex" in the most intimate sense of the word I can imagine.

I was sixteen when "fooled around" in way that the church might consider loss of physical virginity but in my book constitutes the kind of discovery one does when the moment seems right but "sex" is still too far away and has "impending Doom" attached to it.

[It's pretty obvious that I don't associate "sex" with "intercourse" in the biblical sense, else I wouldn't include these anecdotes. I think it's plain stupid to exclude the possibility that people aren't "having sex" before they commit the act. I guess I might get that from my uber-christian grandparents... except that I think of it in a POSITIVE light. If your mind and your heart are already there, does it matter if your body is? Doesn't limiting sex limit us? It certainly seems stupid to exclude the possibility of "sex" in a relationship that doesn't involve partners equipped for it in the traditional sense of the word. Giving all the hype to one "act" seems to both give it a lot of added pressure and idealization while stripping it of intimacy and fun associate with these other things.

Stay away from these ideas, they are bad! (unless you think you might be smote for thinking otherwise) ANYWAY...]

I was seventeen when, in all traditional senses of the word, I gave myself away. What can I say? It was just one of those "spend it all or lose it summers." I was about to turn eighteen, to leave everything I knew and face my fears and expectations up close. It's for this reason I have a HUGE affinity for the song Edge of Seventeen by Stevie Nicks.

And after years of deliberating and being generally fearful of hurt, loss, overcommitment and, well, impregnation, I finally reconciled fear with love. And I wouldn't have had it any other way.

And even though I'm glad I'm pagan, I still regret to say that, in my mind, there was some melancholy "loss" associated with giving myself away. But I guess it was like any rite of passage. You're on the outside of the circle and, looking in, there's a world that means something incredible. And when you've been initiated into the circle, the world that was once a Mystery is suddenly Every Day. There isn't any Mystery any more.

No more will the Unicorn seek me in the forest.

This is obviously an overdramatization, given that I've been a lascivious little tart since I was about twelve and discovered masturbation. Then I turned thirteen and discovered the internet. Hoo boy, no end of trouble. But despite my mean dirty streak, I consider myself to be a highly balanced individual with respect for myself, my body, and my partner(s).

I don't think I feel like anything was taken away from me any more. (I still have wild expectations that sex always falls short of but I can't say that I'm not rather fond of it.) However, writing this has made me wonder. Why do we still say the first time is "losing" something or being "deflowered." This seems to be a remnant of the pathetic dogma of guilt instilled by the church sometime three centuries ago. Christ, I don't expect there to be some word for the first time like "Fantazmo!" or something, but how sad is it that I had to struggle to find words for sex that didn't involve something being taken away from me? How disempowering!! It's not LOST or TAKEN. It's not like "oh shit, my virginity, where'd it go??"

Hmm. Basically I started this post with the intent of making it very brief to leave room for comment feedback but surprisingly in writing it, possibly because it's a difficult subject for me to write about while considering my reader demographic (ahem), I discovered several things about myself and had several reactions that were surprising/important to me. Blogger, you have again proved yourself useful!

Not that I don't expect y'all to respond. Hell, if we can talk about masturbation on Emily's blog and lesbians on mine, we can talk about sex. We're all friends here.

So what are your thoughts? C'mon, gimme some feedback... what's the significance of this "virginity" thing, anyway? And don't leave me hanging here or I'll just be embarrassed...

Christ, fucking fourteen.... (pun not intended, har har)

Lyric reference in entry title: Aerosmith- Just Push Play

my apologies if the above post looks fully in any way. I came on to blog tonight and, uh, the entry where the sex post was SUPPOSED to be just said "8" in the blogger console. Still looked normal in the blog but I thought I'd post it again anyway.