The vicious cycle--
Beware the RANT

At least I know it's not the hormones this time. It's the stress and the feeling that whatever I do, it's not good enough. When you have THIS much on your plate, you can either stop doing some things (and thus fail miserably at them) or do everything half-assed forgetting both how to be a reliable source and a well-rounded person. I have no time for myself but everything I do is selfish. I do everything for other people but have no time for the people I care for.

This life is hell.

Have you ever spent a good long hour contemplating suicide?

I don't suggest it.

It sucks.
*****************************

(First, a note: I aplogize that this is so long but take it for what it is, an emotion-laced rant to the diary. I needed to vent, I got it out unproductively here and then productively in a response (also printed at the bottom). I hope the length isn't too unbearable)

Amid the smattering of random, eclectic birthday gifts and cards from family (of course no one asks what I want and so I get things like.. socks and... salad dressing... not that I'm not grateful anyway) there's a letter from my grandparents. These are the grandparents that I LIKE, who are well traveled and pretty liberal. At the bottom, after the general "happy birthdays" and life updates in response to a letter I wrote them-- get this-- two months ago, there was a rather spiteful paragraph directed at ME. WHO I AM. I'd like to share it with you. It reads:

"I'm really sorry you couldn't take time to tal to him (my grandfather). He was quite disappointed and hurt by your lack of interest, particularly since you have always been the light of his life as a granddaughter, (the first born, and all that), and since you evinced an interest in journalism. I think that if you really want to pursue this as a career, it would be well to develop a method of interviewing people, even if it is difficult. You might not know what you are missing if you can't do that. It also is better manners to at least try to be polite to family members and older persons. Well, you are young yet, perhaps you'll learn in time that politeness begins at home... (and on to other "happy birthdays, etc)"

WHAT IN THE LIVING FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN??!?!?! HOW MUCH MROE FUCKING PATRONIZING CNA YOU GET???? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE OR WRONG WITH ME THAT I DESERVE THAT?!?!? HOW THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL???

I'm sitting here shaking and trying not to cry or cut myself to death thinking about this letter. Allow me to explain.

My grandfather has never been a conversationalist. He is a businessman, a reporter. He never once, even when I was young, sat me down to talk to me about ME or about LIFE. He doesn't connect with people like that. *I* do. It makes for a very awkward lack of connection. But he was old, I was very young, so that sort of thing can go unnoticed. Despite all this, he was an extreme inspiration for me. He was a travel writer and editor of AAA Michigan Living. He got PAID to go around the world, PAID to taste extravagant cuising, PAID to travel on cruise ships... and people cared about his experiences. I always wanted that. I didn't care about the pay, because I know journalism is a frugal job, I cared about the experience and that he loved it so much. I wrote my goddam college entrance essays on this man. And tho I may not feel a "soullike" connection to him, I respect him and he has always been the greatest rolemodel to me.

So when, two years ago, he suffered several major strokes, I was psychologically devastated. I mean, I'd never gotten the chance to talk to him, to know his life, to understand how to get where I wanted to go. And he was struggling to walk, much less find the words to write. Thankfully, he is much improved though still seems very senile and is EXTREMELY hard to talk to. I mean, the man never says a thing!! Despite this, I planned to talk to him when I went back to Michigan this summer and stayed at their house for a week.

But he never said anything. And what do you say to someone you don't really know but who won't answer your question anyway? He just watched a lot of television news and read the paper and that was about it. I asked him, "grandpa, tell me about your journalistic career," and after some deliberation he said "well... what do you want to know...?" and I said "I don't know, anything..." and we pretty much left it at that. It was a house of silence because I didn't know how to talk to him or what to say. So I failed because his age and senility makes me nervous and upset, because I don't have the patience to work a story out of him, because I glean more about his life through osmosis than through conversation.

He didn't really try to talk to me, either.

And the most I got out of him was a tour of his office where he showed me pictures that I'd already seen, images of him with four presidents and various places around the world, bits and pieces of a past life that he can't revisit. I cried myself to sleep that night.

I'M NOT COMPLETELY INSENSITIVE. So I may not be a skilled reporter. They do say never to interview someone you know. I don't know what to say? Gran must be right. I'm a horrible, awful bitch and I deserve to die.

Why doesn't she ask me if it was hard for me? Why does she accuse me of being insensitive? She's lived with the man her whole life and she knows him, perhaps could she have led me in the right direction? He never made an effort to know ME my whole life over... never really showed me I was the "light of his life." Well, I'm "young yet" perhaps I'm a MORON.

How much more insulting can you get than that? Of course I know politeness begins at home. Should gran learn this? Apparently it's not neccesary to consider MY FEELINGs. Oh, happy birthday you whining, greedy, little mouth of a girl.. cares Kat about other people? I think not.

FUCK YOU, Gran, How's that for polite???

And the worst part is, I can't think of any one occasion where I wasn't anything but the politest, most conversational debutante to them. I was my glowingest, winningest self. So I guess it's just not good enough. Suck it up, Kat. Welcome to the real world. People hate you even if you do care. You're not good enough when you try your best and fail.

Well, Gran, Monday I have an interview with a woman whose verbally abusive husband caused her M.S. to set in to a crippling level... am I going to be insentive and crass? no, I'm going to try my best to find the story this woman has to tell.

And if I can't get it out of her, I know it won't be for lack of trying.

SO WHY DO I STILL FEEL LIKE DOWNING A BOTTLE OF WINDEX????

Fuck you, world. you're one ugly son of a bitch.

******************************

Ahh, nothing like standing up for yourself to induce momentary clarity. Thank god gran has email.

Here's the PRODUCTIVE reply:

Dear Gran,

Thank you very much for the birthday package, I just received it today. I appreciate the gifts and the correspondence. I expected to hear from you sooner but I know how busy things can get.

Before I continue with the formalities, there's something I'd really like to address. I was quite taken aback by a paragraph near the closing of your letter and I need to tell you what I think. So, for the moment, I'm giving myself permission to be slightly disrespectful.

The paragraph is as follows:


"I'm really sorry you couldn't take time to talk to him (my grandfather). He was quite disappointed and hurt by your lack of interest, particularly since you have always been the light of his life as a granddaughter, (the first born, and all that), and since you evinced an interest in journalism. I think that if you really want to pursue this as a career, it would be well to develop a method of interviewing people, even if it is difficult. You might not know what you are missing if you can't do that. It also is better manners to at least try to be polite to family members and older persons. Well, you are young yet, perhaps you'll learn in time that politeness begins at home... "

I have to say... pardon me? Do you realize how patronizing this sounds?

Please consider for a moment that you're telling ME politeness begins at home and yet writing something so utterly inconsiderate for my own feelings (and almost spiteful I might add) that it shocked me so much I shook while reading the letter.

I simply find it unacceptable that you would address to me an accusation of this nature without considering how it would make me feel. Did you write the letter with this very statement in mind? If so, a simple note would have sufficed. I'm highly insulted that you didn't consider my capability for mature, adult emotion and that you would patronize me in this way. I am young, but I am not stupid, nor am I a child.

Did you ever consider that I tried to talk to my grandfather and was frustrated when I couldn't seem to start a conversation? It's very difficult for me to talk to him given that I never really got to know him yet feel I know him very well. (In the "business" they do say that interviewing someone you know is the hardest of all.) You know grandpa, you've lived with him most of your life. Yet you still admit we never really even talked when I was young. We connect with people on different levels, in different ways. It does upset me that I failed to understand him but it was not for lack of trying. I'll be honest: I'm saddened by his disabilities and it makes me nervous and awkward while talking to him. I was very frustrated when I didn't get farther than I did. It makes me angry that you would assume I don't care or didn't try.

I cannot think of one occasion while I was a guest in your home that I did not behave with the utmost respect toward you or toward grandpa. If I somehow came off as inconsiderate or disrespectful, I sincerely apologize. The entire visit was stressful and awkward for me trying to place myself in a life that I have long since not been a part of and I sense that my stress came through at time. In spite of this, I always tried to be winning and conversational. I tried to be optimistic when it was heartbreaking to have to face a part of my life that is so distanced from me and family members who are so changed. Did you think I don't have feelings, too?

I want you to understand how reading this made me feel. This is the second letter of this nature I've received from you (the first was concerning a disagreement between my mother and I, also a situation on which you did not ask my opinion or consider my viewpoint) and both have made me extremely upset. I don't feel that my behavior warrants being criticized in this unduly insensitive way.

It's hard enough to live this life filling up my time with things that take away from what I care about. I spend every day doing things for other people and have no time to spend with those I care about. Everything I do in some way seems selfish and yet I have no time left for my "self." When someone tells you that you're not trying, even though you are, and that the attempts you've made are NOT GOOD ENOUGH, it's the WORST THING IN THE WORLD to hear.

Please be more considerate of my emotions in the future. I appreciate all your sage advice and I love hearing from you-- and especially from grandpa despite how difficult it is for us to communicate. I don't want to alienate you further than I probably already have.

I love you both but I cannot accept accusatory remarks of this nature, especially when they are not true.

Please forgive the infringement of conduct. It was, in my book, a necessary thing.

Much love,

Kat