SEX

Disclaimer: This post contains TMI (Too Much Information). If this might hurt your feelings, feel too personal, too embarrasing for you, or in some way offend you, for gods sake, please stop reading. I take no responsibility for your emotional well-being. If you have no desire to know about my thoughts on sex or picture my personal life, this is not the post for you. Pretend I'm someone you don't know and move on; you've read worse. If you're really curious about my own exhibitionist tendencies, writing this does embarrass me. but it really shouldn't; this post is more philosophy than hormones, anyway... it's about the the dischord that happened in my mind during some part of last night. It's a rant and a melodrama. As is, now that you've seen the disclaimer, I know you're hooked. So enjoy and don't laugh; we all have issues.

Composed 7/10/02, 2:00-2:30AM, notebook paper style:
"i think we may have a problem. maybe it's not a "we" problem but a "me" problem. the hardest part in determining things like this is whether they rest in part or in whole with the individual. usually, it seems that both and neither are the case. so i'm mentally fucked. mentally but not physically, if you want a double-entendre.

so yeah, here i am, pen and paper in hand at two in the morning because sometimes when i'm upset i can't talk and i can't listen, but i can write. the writing is its own little dialogue and, in the end it's the same as talking to a priest or a best friend because i have all of them inside of me and through the words they come out.

it's late and we were going to sleep, but now you're in the other room with the light on and i wonder if you'll be sleeping on the couch. i wonder what you're thinking of me after what just went down. i wonder if what you're thinking is true. i don't know why exactly you got up and left instead of asking me questions instead of offering accusations. does it make sense to distance yourself further from someone when you're already at opposite corners of the bed?

i'm sure it must be my fault for opening up, for trying to acknowledge the little cynic inside who wanted to tell you what was on my mind. we don't really ever talk about anything, so why should this be any different? sometimes it seems like our conversations are all one-sided or accusatory if they're deep, shallow if they're not. sometimes one of us will throw something provacative at the other without even saying, "catch!" well, it looks like we dropped the ball on this one.

a touchy subject? yes, yes, and yes again. i consider myself an open person, i would tell you anything, especially if you asked. but we seem to have some difficulty talking on the same level; call it intellectual competition? we have a hard time talking especially about this. it's too personal.

you know what's bothering me by now. i'm a fluke. i'm nineteen and i've got no libido. i don't miss it, didn't notice when it left, could live without it... but it worries me that its absence will somehow mess up my life. i didn't ask if you noticed because i think it's self-evident. but really, there are so many other things in my life. so many things and so little passion. i treasure my spirituality and my sexuality but despite my liberal paradigm, it's beginning to seem obvious that i have some deep wound in my emotional psyche that prevents me from really letting go. i'm too young for this. so what could it be? i have a few ideas.

could it be that i'm bored? work is the same every day... routine is sucking the life out of me... i feel domesticated. that's not sexy. the stupid thing is that for the first time in my life, probably ever, everything i need is at my fingertips. i'm neither too rich nor too poor. i have comfort, love, shelter and so on. and it bores the living fuck out of me. so i'm a drama queen. i need something exciting to keep me going. i'm not ungrateful for anything i have, or anything you've given me... i'm just not being challenged. why do i need challenge? that's just the way i am.

someday i'll want a quiet life. someday maybe i'll want to be loved like everyone else. i'm not sure what all this means, but it's certainly more than sex. it's always more than sex. so i feel like a failure and a fluke. i tell myself i couldn't care less but obviously i do. maybe i should see a doctor or a psychologist... or see someone else. but i don't think that's the answer. i'd rather we be happy. i think that someday i'll venture off into the great blue yonder. despite what you say, i don't think i'll spend all my time abroad dwelling on stupid things. i'm not that trite.

i don't know if any of this plays into my lack of interest. maybe it's something hormonal, some stupid by-product of The Pill. i never seemed to have this problem before the Archdemon Depo. But, maybe i did. i don't think i've ever been able to let go with another person. it's not that it doesn't interest me, quite to the contrary. i'm quite comfortable with myself and i treasure my sexuality. maybe i just spent so many years being pre-conditioned to spending time ""alone.""

but now it's a sort of "waste not, want not" feeling. i don't *need* it, so i don't *want* it. . i shouldn't need it to want it, that being the problem. i think i'm supposed to see it as some sort of recreational activity or spiritual event, and i can't make it more than a strange ritual. maybe it's as much your fault as mine. maybe it's that it's always about one person or the other and never both and because i can't make it otherwise, i don't care to play the game.

in any case, now i've made it an issue because i opened my big fat mouth and was honest about it.

but i can't believe you would turn it around on me. you try to say i'm too neurotic, that i'm too tense, that i focus too much on details. you know it hurts me when you try to deconstruct who i am. you can't change me. i don't try to change you, do i? so maybe my paradigm inhibits me from seeing the forest through the trees but i like the trees, damn it. my life *is* in the details. i know i have neurotic tendencies, i know i worry too much, but it enables me to see things that others would never see. the tradeoff is a different insight than laid-back, accepting people like you have. maybe there's too much forest in your life, did you ever think of that? we are fire and ice. (or more accurately you are earth and fire and i am air and water...) between us, some things will get better, others won't. some things may never work. you still hurt my feelings but i didn't get up and leave. i wonder, do you want me to come find you? do i want to know what you're doing? i think i'll let you be and try to find out what's the problem in my own thoughts.

should i ignore this and just keep going? you tell me to let go, but it's not that easy. i want to be everywhere at once, i want to KNOW things; i'm so intent on the details that i can't be free to experience unrestrained. so where's my childlike inhibition? sometimes i think i've cloistered her. i cling too hard to my ability to be wild and free because i'm terrified of losing it. i've locked that wild girl inside a cage within myself so that i can never lose her, but she can never leave. maybe i was never a free spirit. even in elementary school my peers told me to lighten up. perhaps this is the price of being an old soul.

this is all the drama i need to keep me going for a little while. am i an emotional vampire? maybe i am. was it a bad idea for us to live together? maybe it was a bad idea to speak my mind; a bad idea to write this. actually, i do feel better, even though i'm trying to sleep alone. i'll let you do your thing because i love you and i know you'll come back. that's one thing i'm certain of.

as for the rest of it... i don't know what to think."

**written last night, some loose ends now resolved, many not. i need to save it anyway, i need to mull over it... because, dammit, that's just the way i am! i didn't sleep alone and i did wake up feeling better, though the day was somewhat lame. dinner was nice, etc. still haven't talked much about what went down last night. seems that he's more touchy about it than i am. that kind of hurts because i feel like it's about me.

note to J: i know you'll read this, i hope it doesn't bring you down. it really isn't anything that hasn't been said or that you don't know. it's still a bit personal, a risk i take in posting it. but at your request, i'll take it down or lock it. i just needed a place to save my thoughts and saw no real need to hide it.