Dear Abby
Sometimes I surprise myself. Last night I picked up the daily paper from Rachel and Micah's kitchen table, read the comics and then skimmed the advice columns for a bit of trite amusement. The next thing I knew, I was sitting at Micah's laptop writing a curt response to Dear Abby via DearAbby.com.

The column in question? This one:

MOTHER WON'T ACT TO STOP GIRL'S ONLINE EXPLOITATION
DEAR ABBY: My brother recently discovered that his 16-year-old stepdaughter has been chatting online with a man in another state, up to and including phone sex. He went into her e-mail without her permission to see what was going on after she ran up a $300 phone bill.

When he confronted her about the bill, she lied and said she had been talking to a girlfriend. Her mother -- my brother's wife -- thinks her daughter would never do anything wrong and gets mad at my brother if he implies otherwise. He doesn't want to do anything about the situation for fear of her wrath.

I say, the girl's safety is more important than a fight with his wife. Do you know if there's a task force that he could e-mail this information to and remain anonymous? I would like to see that man caught before something horrible happens to this beautiful young girl. -- PROTECTIVE IN COLORADO

DEAR PROTECTIVE: The girl has been victimized by a predator. Your brother's wife is doing her daughter no good by behaving like an ostrich and pretending this incident never happened.

There are several things your brother can do. He should contact his local FBI office and/or visit the Web site www.fbi.gov and check out the area devoted to cyber crimes -- specifically crimes against children under "What We Investigate." If he is referred to his local police department, he should contact them immediately so they can investigate further. The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children also has an informative Web site, www.missingkids.com, which provides information regarding exploited children and an opportunity to report it.

Why did the column piss me off so much? If you know me well, it's obvious. At fourteen I was involved in an online relationship with a "man" in another state. I never did anything as stupid as running up a $300 phont bill-- only about $50-$100 a month and I paid all mine from my paper route. Now, if MY parents had known the full extent of my relationship with my internet boyfriend, they, too might have shit a brick. I was two years younger than the girl in the column... and for at least a year before that I'd been soliciting men online for cybersex by telling them I was eight or more years older than I actually was. Why? Because I was horny and curious. But was I stupid? NO.

My point? Without knowing the age of the "man" in question or the nature of the girl's reltionship with him, Abby absolves her of all responsibility for her situation. More than that, she suggests that her uncle and her step father make a drastic conspiratorial move against her, perhaps damaging her trust in her parents forever, rather than suggesting they talk to the girl in earnest.

My full response is rather lengthy (and therefore I doubt it will be published) but if you're really curious, you can read it here.

Now, I'm not familiar with Abby as an advice columnist and I've often only read her in passing. I don't have a particular memory of her being stupidly conservative, but maybe I'm getting more liberal and she's becoming a bitchy crone. What the HELL is up with this question and answer? Did she just tell this girl not to defend her opinions in class?

DEAR ABBY: At my school, a period of time is dedicated to discussing world events. My teacher, "Mrs. Jones," has often shared her opinions about world events and our government with us. She has very strong opinions and usually gets upset when anyone disagrees with her. One day when she was talking, I told her I did not agree with her opinion and got detention for it. Personally, I don't think I deserved one.

I understand that I shouldn't be rude to teachers, but I believe that my comment was respectful. Was I out of line? -- UNCERTAIN IN FRANKLIN LAKES, N.J.

DEAR UNCERTAIN: If the comment was disruptive, it may have been. It would have been more diplomatic had you voiced your disagreement after the class was over.

What? That's it? No "don't be afriad to stand up for what you believe in?" GRR. I sincerely hope that some of the major papers syndicate a columnist who is a little less of a conservative cow.