looking forward, looking back...
When I think back to all those years ago when I was spending all my free time obsessively watching Tenchi Muyo and Sailor Moon, I realize that I never imagined I would end up where I am now. And, somehow, this surprises me. It seems to me, almost depressingly, that I've always had some inkling of my future; some preminition that has always come true.

But I never knew I would be in Japan, ambivalent to anime, struggling to learn the language more than anything else.

I never knew until last summer when I talked to Sian and found out she was going to Tokyo that I had to go to. Because then it just WAS, like the plan had always existed in my mind.

Now that I am here, however, I realize that I know both more and less than I thought. Japan is nothing like I imagined and yet the same in every way. When I pictured myself walking down the street in winter, it is every street I see here, yet none is the right street. When I look around myself I see not the "Japan" of my mind but a real place not so different from any other real place and yet a real place so alien to me that I can't yet relax.

I am still blind to my surroundings because I am on guard. And yet my eyes are wide open to the innocent details, to the naive things I am writing about, to the revelry of the innocent traveler.

I want to become fluent. It frustrates me that I know so little and that I HAVE to use english and I revert to it even when I DON'T need to. I spend so many hours in my room poring over every little detail. Counters, speech fillers, probability, time expressions, adverbs. My mind is like a sieve. I can't hold onto anything even though I'm continuously practicing and shoving more in.

I am yet afraid to go out more than I stay in. I think the longer I am here the more that trend will reverse. Right now it feels as though I am still preparing myself to be here despite that I already am.

I should take every day as a blessing, work hard, and ready myself to open my eyes. I am doing my best to accomplish that despite the discomfort of bodily difficulties, lack of sleep and interpersonal stress. I strive to awaken to full cognizance at least once during this trip. I will not sleep the whole time. I will find that winter street and walk down it with my eyes open.