an exercise
here it is, the sum total of my being: i'm trite. but i'm happy in my own little way. sometimes it's nice when all the little things that cause you pain all just go away for a while. for me, it took a smashing hangover and a bit of sunshine, but i've really enjoyed this weekend. i get to sleep in tomorrow, being that my japanese oral performance isn't until tuesday and there's considerably less homework this week than last. but i think i may be getting sick; whether this is a product of my od-ing myself on liquor or something else entirely... i dunno, maybe I "injured" myself at the party when we got into another of our usual "contests." erm. pfeh, i probably just have a slight headcold. or allergies. god, i LOVE allergies.

anyway, the fact is that, as usual when i'm content, i simply cannot make use of myself here. there's no dwelling on the past and no sentimental reflection of things that i don't have. because i have it all, really. friends, lovers, confidantes. good times, bad times, comfort, food, excitement... there's a lot more i could do with experiencing but for now i have no complaints. i've been feeling pretty ill the last few days (hung over yesterday and feverish today) but it's forced me to take a load off because i really can only focus on one thing at once. when i'm well, my mind is usually a million directions to everywhere thinking about everything i need to have done. right now i just want to focus on going to bed. but i felt the need to write here, if anything just because i should still do it in practice even when i have nothing to say or am simply too tired to say it.

i wish i had the courage and the time to make this diary the mode of communication i want it to be. i'm no longer writing it for one person to read. i'm no longer venting my blind frustration to unlistening ears. i'm just here, a little daily me. things are changing, and i want to remember that. but moreover, i want to write the things that come to my mind during the day; the little philosophical ramblings and passionate insights that turn into 5-page rants about tangents i can't even phathom. and i am by no means passionless because i don't write those things here, it's that i find i have other outlets that i previously took for granted, or maybe that i'm just too tired to spend an hour drooling my brain all over the keyboard.

i wish i could SAY something that would tell the world who i am instead of sitting her pecking out nonsense words intrepidly. no, i don't want to up my hits to obscene measures or even to become an so obnoxiously opinionated that i'm more preachy than reflective. i just want to feel like i'm putting real words to "paper" so to speak. so here's the exercise i propose. it may make all the difference, or it may make none: i propose that i sit down and write for 20 minutes, no more or less, each night and say something that has an emotional connection to me. something other than the events of my day or past-tense reflections. i'll try to write something that i felt today, even if it's something (gasp) happy. something NOW. because, when i look back, i'll want to remember NOW when everything has changed. and it will change because it is changing; the wheel is spinning the thread tighter and tighter to its apex and when the time comes (soon) it will unravel into an unseen pattern and leave us all scattered across the stars.

ready? go.