Windstorm
Last night was one of those bad nights. Fortunately, it was preceeded by one of the best nights (--to a point--) that I have had in a long time. Micah and Rachel came over Tuesday night and we ate baked rosemary chicken with carrots, onions, au gratin potatoes, salad and bread. And we drank wine and had fabulous desert all while Ella Fitzgerald sang in the background and an untended DuraLog blazed in the fireplace. Ahh, young yuppiedom.

But then I called my parents. And after that I crashed. I couldn't really study well for Japanese, hence I had a hard time at my "midterm" yesterday, I got all frustrated with them, felt like a failure, fed my anxiety complex and walled myself off. Now I don't even want to go home for spring break. It is, in fact, probably the most stressful thing I can think to do to myself. Ugh. I'm so angry with my family right now it makes it difficult for me to function. And the problem is, I always come off as immature and selfish when I talk to them no matter WHAT I do because a) they simply can't regard me as an adult with feelings (probably because they've repressed their own so much) and b) because I've learned, through 20 years of emotional segregation, to put up a verbal wall when I talk to them, which makes it impossible for me to express myself coherently.

So all that angst was the precursor to yesterday. Needless to say, I didn't sleep very well. I went to bed at 2AM and woke up around 6 after no dreams.

I crashed. Mondays and Wednesdays this term I had four classes. A two hour block from 9-11, two more hours from 12-2, and another hour and a half from 4-5:20. In the middle of these days, people always seemed to convince themselves it was the best time to make me their bitch. Don't ask me why. Anyway, it took most of my strength to get through those days. The last sessions of my CyberJ and International Communication classes were almost unbearable. I could have been celebratory but instead I felt like zombie.

Justin's mom was in town for her Eugene clinic and I was looking forward to her taking us out to dinner. Instead, she did what she usually does, which was to make plans with us and then skip out on them. But she DID bring down a bunch of cheese for us... before cussing out Justin for having long hair and no job, telling him she's cutting off funding for our grocery money and notifying him she's asking his dad to tell his grandpa not to send him checks any more. So Justin bombed, miserably. She gave him the money to go to Supercuts and get his lovely mane shaved off.

Alex caught me after class as I was making my way tiredly home. I vented to him for about an hour before coming home to find Justin waiting at the door for us to go get haircuts. We did. I like my trim. He got his cut ALL off. And yes, he does look about six years younger, but it's nice to be able to feel his head when I pet him. Poor Wolf Pup. He was so dejected. The problem with him being in a foul mood is that he's always in a REALLY foul mood which only serves to amplify my own empathic misery and send me further into the pit of despair. And I don't really consider that fair because while I know he'll be OK in a day or two, it can take me weeks to pull myself out of it.

We went home and decided not to make dinner. I was going to starve myself just to make myself feel worse, but then I realized that I was feeling like I'd hit a brick wall. After smelling the garlic noodles Justin made himself for like an hour, I felt so sorry for myself that I ate some (gross) instant chili and at least felt better. God, moving was such a chore. I couldn't even pull myself off the floor of the study to go get a salad. I couldn't motivate myself to study or to do anything productive. So I didn't, which I suppose is a good thing.

We went over to Ryan and Tara's with the rest of the fabulous dessert that Justin made the night before. God, it smells like bird shit over there from all the thousands of starlings nesting in those trees. And it's creepy to get out of the car at night, not just for the wave of nausea that hits you but for the noise the birds make as they settle into the trees. Ugh. Anyway, a lot of people showed up and everything was so noisy and spastic it just gave me a headache. That was when I realized I was doing really badly and feeling really tired. I couldn't even respond to people when they talked to me; I just wanted to say "shut up!" and cry. I hope everyone can forgive me for being such a bitch.

Yesterday, I was actually surprised when someone in my CyberJ class told me how nice and helpful I was. The whole time I was in that class, I was not only irate at the extreme stupidity of it but also extremely stressed. I was NOT a friendly person. I was, in fact, really closed and almost terse with people. But, whatever, I guess I can pull off "nice" even when I feel like a bitch.

After SP, Justin and I came home, only to run the car into the fucking parking structure. At least I damaged that part of the bumper a few weeks ago when I ran into Luke's station wagon. In any case, I'm sure it didn't make Justin feel any better. I'd been waiting for it to happen for some time. We went to bed miserable and dejected, Justin with his locks shorn in order to get up for an interview in the morning for a job that he will hate, and I with my body beaten and tired, not looking forward in any way to the coming days, weeks and months.

I woke up in the middle of the night to hear the wind howling outside the window as if it would tear the trees apart. In my dream, I had heard it and realized that it was real. I sat up in bed and Justin did the same, and we listened to it together for a few minutes, before falling back asleep. It's funny how nature can be so calming. I had more dreams, where I was performing with the Knights at a show and the crowd was calling my name.

When I got up, I felt that we had both been healed a bit by our sleep. I'm still not looking forward to tomorrow, or the next days, weeks, and months; but at least I don't feel so much like there's nothing to be found along the way. My life has surprised me a lot with changes since I came back from Belize. I guess I feel safe mentioning that it seems sometimes pleasantly absurd to me that I'm now best friends with Alex, when a year ago we were just learning to tolerate speaking to each other again. But aside from striking me as divinely comedic upon occasion, this friendship is probably one of the few reasons that I'm still sane and HAVEN'T sunk into the pit of despair recently. It is strange to have risen from the ashes, but only because it's now so completely natural. I guess life still does give out pleasant surprises.

It's 2:45 PM, and I think that Justin was offered that job he interviewed for this morning since he's not home yet. This is a good thing... it will make him feel much better, even without his hair. (lol) I find myself thinking more and more positively about our future with less emotional baggage on my chest, and I think I'd like to see him here when I come back from Waseda. Someone to come home to. And yes, I've pretty much decided that I want to go to Japan, even if my parents won't support me getting there. I can resort to extreme measures! I think I'll be the next in the wave of famous "web panhandlers" and set up a website on Oatmail (Micah's server) asking the kind, generous, public to have pity on a girl who wants to do something with her life. Maybe those people who got on the case of Karyn for her credit card debt and that little asian girl who wants people to buy her implants will support me in my quest to do something real. Or maybe not. I might have to put up some pictures of my boobs to get the cash. Whatever, I can dig it. Anyway, look for links to that site soon and drop some of your pocket change into my Paypal account. I need $15,000 to get to Japan!!