Burnout
I can't seem to wake up on the right side of the bed. I can't seem to wake up at all. I'm so tired, so bloody tired all the time, and I don't know what to do. I've woken up to sunny days the last few mornings and just thought "ugh, kill me," and wanted to roll over into the dark cave of my blankets.

I don't feel like I'm on an emotional rampage. I don't feel like I'm falling into the black hole. I don't FEEL much of anything. That thankful tidbit is probably the side-effect of my wonderfully stabilizing birth control. I'm a stupid zombie... I'm just damn tired and hopeless. I have no energy to deal with anything and the problem is that I have a lot to deal with. I can feel myself unravelling as I try to figure out where I'm going and what I need to do. I'm like a fraying rope that's been grasped at both ends and unwound to the middle. That little clinging piece at the centre is what's left of me, pulled taut to the four winds with decisions weighing on my mind.

There are people I know right now who are probably, definitely more seriously depressed than I am. That makes me want to discredit whatever little funk I'm going through and tell myself to shut up and get over it. I'm not stressfully overburdened; I'm not suicidal; I'm not clinging to a last hope... I just don't want to face the day. I wake up and there's nothing to look forward to. I can't connect with the people I love, I can't make myself smile about an uncertain summer, I can't enjoy the sun. I don't feel like doing anything little and fun, much less anything social. The thought of projects or expectations makes me ill. I just want to sit and stare vacantly and wait for some revelation to come.

I slept like hell last night. Otherwise I probably wouldn't be writing this. Justin decided to go out for iHOP with Murray this morning and got up to go fifteen minutes earlier than I planned to wake up. Expecting that little change in my sleeping routine was enough to make me delerious all night and wake up at 7:30 this morning with no chance of getting back to sleep. What's wrong with me? I'm full of guilt and anxiety and I have no patience to face it. When I try to talk about what's on my mind, I just fall deeper into it. I'd rather just let the world judge me and have done with it.

I'm glad Justin's talking to Murray, I know Murray needs it. I did feel a bit left out, but I know that Murray probably wants one-on-one, not 'couples' time. I'm just jealous that Justin will go talk to Murray. Oh well, my isolation is my own fault; I just want to be comforted, too.

A lonely Tuesday, but I'll be OK.