Lost and Found
Today I found something and I lost something.

What I found was an unrehearsed sense of hilarity, relaxation, pride, and playfulness. The day just seemed to carry itself. I was involved, helpful, courteous, busy, clearminded, joyful, and friendly. I did my job, worked out things with the OV... never once found myself hungry or crashing from low blood sugar. When I came home I made dinner, let Justin play games on my computer without being frustrated and laughed and played with him for a while. For that short time, my sense of adventure and enthusiasm returned and we just enjoyed each other. Sometimes it's nice to spend a night apart. I deserved that sundae.

I guess I didn't really "lose' anything in an official sense. It was just the announcement of change, of a drawing apart. Murray's decided to leave Eugene sometime this year and enroll in a Portland university... either Lewis and Clark or the art institute. I'm glad he's got balls enough to pursue his dreams, especially in light of losing his friends... but the announcement was still a bombshell. I really love Murray and I guess I just met him not too long ago. I don't want someone with whom I feel so comfortable to leave my life. It doesn't feel right, not so soon after I started making my first friends here. Murray really means a lot to me, mostly because we connect in some way that's not really profound but IS because it's so comfortable and casual. That, and I'm not sure how we started being friends which, in a way, is better than being able to mark the way and day. We just sort of drew together. He was always around and then suddenly it was like "oh hi, you're cool" and it just was good. That's the way it should be. The sinking feeling that is the LOSS is that somewhere inside me I believe that when he goes, despite only being in Portland, somehow we'll fall apart anyway, in ways that shouldn't be. But we'll have glacier in common by then... and magic places do magic things that don't go away. So I'm hopeful, but melancholy. That's why I needed a big, fat euphoria chocolate sundae.

But things change and do so constantly. We'll all be different people in five years with different bodies and different brains, older and wiser souls. I read through most of my archives last night and I'm surprised at how much my own perspective has changed over the last nine months... how much I've grown and matured, how many things I've come to accept and how many I've learned to deal with a hard hand. I feel accomplished.

I'm tired as hell and it's good. Time to curl up with Rupert and Wolf Pup and smell the trees from outside.