my mind, the sieve
Funny how sleep can sweep your feet out from under you.

I don't like sleeping alone, it makes the dreams come back. Granted, they're all pretty good dreams but damn are they a mindfuck. I think I have them occasionally when Justin is here but I can blow them off when I wake up. Now I'm left feeling... haunted... and kind of dirty. Just yesterday I was confident of my place, saying that I don't have a foot in the door. Maybe this is my mind's way of chastizing me for being so cocky. Maybe it's my lot to live with one foot in the door; one foot on either side of the door, even. If I'm not a traitor then my mind makes me one. God, ugh, I'm a bit of a wreck... but less than you'd guess from reading this. Really, the feeling is more of that beautiful/ terrible feeling I was describing the other week. It's a sadness and a wonder and a love. I just don't understand it so I fear it. I try to embrace it and every social convention I believe in goes against it. I'd just run with it but it'd leave me alone and hated again.

See, when I'm asleep, my mind tries to give me everything I want. It makes me happy, it makes me giddy... but it doesn't realize that when I wake up, I'm pretty despondent and disgruntled with reality. But I've learned to treasure the lingering feeling from all these dreams, even if it does make the day meloncholy. I guess I'm lonely. Justin will be back tonight after I hit the sack... that will be nice. Another few days and we can take another trip to Seattle together for his graduation. But... arrrgh... dreams are powerful things. They can change the way you think about someone, and I'd rather they didn't right now. I'd rather live my little life contended and away from the goddam drama for a while. I think I'm cursed. Where's a priest when you need one? (hell, I don't need one to confess, maybe to set on fire...) I'm all burning inside and the only thing that helps soothe the flames (music) only makes it worse. Damn playlist in my head...

Pink- Don't Let me Get me
Dave Matthews Band- #41 (I'm surprised I don't get nauseous hearing this song... I have a strange history with it)
Michelle Branch- All you wanted
Poe- Haunted
Vanessa Carlton- A Thousand Miles

etc. etc... gimme a break. What evolutionary purpose does this damn melodrama serve? I'd blow it all off but I cherish it too much. Damn self-perpetuating cycles.

I've been wondering if I should just shut up and try something a little more sophistique. I mean, what do I talk about here? My thoughts, my feeeelings, my life. Sure, all of this is really important to me now... but when I look back in a few years, won't it all be tripe like all my other journals? Why don't I write about something sassy and cosmopolitan using big words and fancy script like, say... politics or culture or wines or porn? I'd certainly have more of an audience. Or I might, I suppose. I'm getting to be part of a pretty big network as is, of a type of blog I'm proud to host. I certainly prefer this introspective mentality over the obsessive fanzines or petty social conversations too many blogs seem to be. I like anime, sure. I've got an impressive repetoire. But my wetdreams about Kenshin only extend so far, thank you! So politics and pop-culture, eh? I suppose I could write some commentary in some sister-ste somewhere, maybe make a name for myself. Maybe become a real web-journalist. But no. For all that effort, what would I have in a few years? Tripe! I suppose if it all ends the same way, this is where I'd rather be; where I'm most (or least?) comfortable- with myself.