the smell of rain
I have a weakness for flirting. Before you ooh and aah at me for being a sorostitute let me tell you: it's old news. The problem is that I don't consider it flirting... the other party does. Generally, I like talking to guys. I'll label them men if they're lucky, which they're usually not. I've met one man recently but he approached me and usually it's the other way around. But Cole's married and he and his wife want to be grow-up friends with Justin and I and do things such as watch french movies and go hiking. So that ended well and quite flatteringly. Usually not so. As I said, I have a weakness for flirting. Conversation with guys other than my boyfriend in which I don't tell them I'm seeing someone. I guess this makes talking flirting cause they always end up asking me out. It's happened so many countless times this year and I both love and hate it. Note that at no point in these said conversations do I come onto or compliment said guys, I only talk to them pleasantly about whatever the hell we're talking about. I like to meet people, I smile (or I don't smile and I leave if they're creeps) and I laugh and I probably blush. It's all very normal. Except that I have the nasty habit of not mentioning I'm seeing someone... it's how I know I'm flirting. It just doesn't come up. I either avoid it or forget it. It really is a conversation-stopper.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be single and go fishing here. The idea makes me nauseous and I don't think I'd be capable if I WERE single. But I'm not and I like where I'm at. I feel good, I feel confident, I have both feet on the ground and a friend to keep me warm. Every now and then it just feels good to toss off a pretentious conversation with a stranger, just to stretch those wings. It's as far as I've ever had the desire to go these past two years and as far as I intend to stray from home. I don't have a foot in the door in this relationship. After the last conversation on the bridge, I realized this. I am where I need to be right now, I'm not moving for a while. When it's time for me to go, he'll know, and I may not go at all. If I look into a future for us, I can see domesticity and a placid, pastoral life if I want it. I see youth and fantasy and security and that glowing, wholesome smile of his. (not to mention the tendency for evil ; ) So I hope he's not offended reading this (nor are you).

I love getting my feet wet, greasing the wheels, being a socialite sometimes. I just wish I didn't feel guilty dropping it like a bomb. Sure, I'll go out to coffee... but... um, I'm seeing someone. I know you were smiling at me in that way because you thought I wasn't. I was just smiling because I was happy you were talking to me, see... um. Sorry. When am I supposed to mention it? To toss it off in conversation kind of ends the game, to toss it off any later is like throwing a brick. They'll call me a player some day, a heartbreaker maybe. They don't know she just like to smile and chat. Is this flirting then? Is that why I get tied up with girlish glee? Another phone number I'll never call.

I never had much practice. Flirting, that is. I wasn't really loved in high school. I found love on the 'net... didn't require much flirting, we got right to the serious conversation. I suppose I flirted with Justin, but we were more friends than anything: it didn't start like that. I never got started with a stranger. I never had self confidence or "presence" until college. Now I seem to have it in spades. It's a blessing and a curse. I learn a lot about people this way, diving into them; I learn about thier good sides and their bad sides. They really show what they want you to see. Sometimes they don't leave when you want them to, sometimes they hang around. I just can't talk to girls, really. I wish I had a posse of guy friends, that's what I really want. I'm not a very good girl... I don't like hanging out with chicks very much, they make me nervous, they don't understand me. Guys are much simpler to deal with, they don't weird me out. I'm much less forgiving with girls- usually I find something I hate about them right away. Funny, it's straight chicks that bug me the most... I'm also much more accepting of lesbians and bi girls. Must be that critical part of me identifies with them.

So I chat up the guys, all friendly-like. I'm a bad person, right? I shouldn't let it get to the coffee invitation. I shouldn't enjoy the game but I do. I'm evil with schoolgirl glee. Yeah, it's in me. But that's about it. I save the rest for the bedroom or for flashing the Alaska-way viaduct.

I spent a lot of today working out and talking at the gym, went to the PC market and bought some ingredients for smoothies and then came home. The house is quiet. Justin's in Seattle for the weekend, he left at 4:45 this morning for Corvallis where he catches a ride with another of the Knights. I like the time to myself, but I draw the line at eating and sleeping alone. It's just too cold and silent. This place is a little too big for just me. I'm a social co-dependent. Rupert feels it and has been trying to get me to play with him all day, but I haven't the energy. He always sticks close to where the people are. Right now he's sleeping under my chair.

When I got home from the store, I sat out front on the stairs with him and watched as the clouds moved in and the rain started to fall. First rain we've had in a while and in those big, summer drops. A few minutes and the ground was soaked and that lovely, musky, dust scent was rising from the earth and from the pavement. It makes my mouth water just thinking about it. I love the smell of rain, there's nothing sexier. I've been thinking about making a list of the things I find sexiest, cause Emily's made me think. Anyway, I sat out there for a while with Rupert before coming in and watching some Trigun and Bebop before dinner. Now I'm trying to study and it's slow going. Murray and I might hit IHop later; we might not.

I'm a bit lonely right now and all this talk about meeting people has made me want to travel. I hate being stagnant. I want to go and to see. I'm really happy where I'm at here in Eugene with my home and my friends and my love and my cat and I'd love to come back to that- but there's always the itch to go and see. I put myself here to think and to study and to live and learn. It's working and I'm glad but part of me wants bigger and more. I'll get it soon enough, I suppose. I want to meet those of you out there who I haven't met yet. I've only met two people from the 'net in person and both of those meetings have changed my life proufoundly for the better. So what are we waiting for?