crisis of self
Sad, conflicted, gross, useless, fat and stressed.

I'm feeling sad because... I wanted to say "thank you" to Host Mom for everything, so I bought her a potted plant, had it nicely wrapped and presented it while everyone was eating the bacon-and-eggs American breakfast I made. Though she was really happy, I wonder if I just made Host Sister upset. Things have been really weird with her lately. It's just quite hard to deal with her knowing she's not normal, especially with the added acoustic value of her recent digestive problems, which have led to regular bouts of her rushing to the bathroom to throw up. I'm suspicious of an eating disorder on top of it all, but then again, I always worry about that stuff. She's so lost and so distant and always asks me these odd sorts of redundant questions. She's ignored and underfoot... she can't seem to keep a job, she leaves her underthings (or worse) lying around. On top of it all, no one (especially not me) knows how to deal with her. I want her to be happy and healthy and I can't shake the feeling that I'm just making her worse.

I'm feeling conflicted because... (this one's easy) I'm leaving here in a month and a half and I don't know how I'll be able to say goodbye to Tokyo. I'm certainly ready to go home in some ways... I miss quiet, I miss my boyfriend, I miss control of my life and a schedule that doesn't drop-kick me daily. Part of me is now ready to accept a life of the utterly average but I'm also sickened by the thought of going back to being nobody in a land of nobodies.

I'm feeling gross because... I can't seem to shake obnoxious personal problems with my armpits. When I got here it was the bloody folliculitis that took illegally imported antibiotics to treat because this country's medical system is so fucking STUPID. Now, either due to those medical problems or simply due to my raised level of anxiety, I can't seem to stop sweating when stressed, hot, tired or upset. I "pit out" my shirts ever day and have to hide it by clamping my arms to my torso, which only makes it worse. I don't smell or anything like that (thank God) but I feel completely undesirable. I've had every SINGLE type of anti-perspirant that I can think of sent to me from the states but nothing has helped. I have a feeling I'll be put on some Alzheimer's-causing medication when I get back to the states.

I'm feeling useless because... I still can't speak Japanese. I WILL give myself props for accomplishing today, in the Shinjuku Gap, negotiations for a size Small polo shirt to be shipped from Harajuku because the Medium shirt I bought was too large and I didn't feel like going to Harajuku to pick up the exchange. It would have been better though, if upon changing my mind about GOING to Harajuku, I hadn't spat out a series of nonsense words at the store clerk in a language I'm not even sure exists. Of course, twenty seconds AFTER the awkward exchange was over, I had the whole conversation, keigo (polite-form language) and all lined up in my head like a freaking textbook. Thanks for being there when I need you, brain. Me is stupid.

I'm feeling fat because... frankly, for me, I AM fat. No, I haven't picked up more than five pounds on this trip but I also didn't come here at my best of weights either. Yes, my pants still fit though they've grown tight. I'm surrounded by genetically stick-thin women who probably have no idea about proper nutrition and either eat far too much and suffer no consequence or, because they think they're fat, go on some of the CRAZIEST diets I've ever heard of. I don't want to be that thin, thanks. I like having hips, boobs and a butt. I'm rather fond of looking like a woman. I do, however, wish to be rid of the unfortunate "handles" my body seems to think it needs to protect my kidneys. Having a crease over my pants is NOT savory. I like curves but I prefer them to be FIRM curves. I'm not a bone-starved waif-wannabe... I want *muscle* and strength and flexibility. What really scares me is seeing my soft-around-the-edges reflection and *knowing* that I'll be fat when I'm older. I guess, when I'm older, if I can learn to love the Goddess Within, I probably won't care. But I do now, and I have a bad case of the "I wanna have what I don't got's." So sue me.

I feel stressed because... though most of my preparations to return to the states are simply a matter of signing the required paperwork or submitting an adequate fee, I've unexpectedly been put through a bit of a dilemma for which I wasn't prepared. I recently had a bit of inspiration for my thesis. Long story short, I'm going to design and print a magazine, the content and layout of which will all be done by yours truly. I want to utilize my remaining J-school classes to facilitate the project. However, the Magazine Design Production course that is being offered fall term requires a design portfolio to be submitted by the 17th of this month. I have enough material to fill such a portfolio and I'm sure I could get into the class... BUT all my material is on CD, in boxes, somewhere overseas. I don't have access to it and I don't have time to play treasurehunt. I've mailed three separate Oregon Voice staff members to ask if they could upload or email to me the PDFs of magazine issues on which I did layout/design but NOT ONE OF THEM HAS REPLIED TO ME even though I explicitely told them to write back even if they couldn't help out. GRRRR. I need this class. It isn't offered Winter Term and I don't have enough spare time or motivation to play around with designing a magazine unless it's required work. I REALLY want to execute this thesis project... and I NEED to get into this class. I am so screwed.

*sigh* Complain, complain, complain... I know... it ain't really a big deal. Blah dee blah. I'm sort of drifting through my own life right now, lost in decisions that I've made and those I've yet to make. The seasons are changing and both my body and my brain are confused.

I'll figure it out.