These Are The Days
I never know how to describe it when my life is wrapped in bliss. I always have so many more words for depression. Happiness is so much easier to accept. Depression, in its negativity, is something we have to dissect to understand. Happiness we take for granted. But no, not this time. I'm savoring this. I don't know what it is but I feel so full, like I've finally accepted what's been plaguing me and I'm moving forward toward it. I don't feel guilty or ashamed, only afriad. But you can't fear the inevitable too much because it's going to happen anyway.

I figured out what the Echo is. It's not really a Chrysalis, but it could end in one. It's another period of Limbo, like the sepia summer before I moved from Michgan. It's the inevitability of change. It's my whole past stretched out before me, being able to see every moment of time and wonder at just how perfectly and wonderously it was formed. It's having utter hope for the future and fearing the worst so much that nothing positive escapes your grasp in the present. It's not being afraid to play the board a little bit, to finally face up, to let go a little, to love with abandon, to admit things to yourself. It's floating in freefall, fearing the bottom but loving every terrible and wonderful moment of descent. I'm so afraid, I'm so fucking afraid. The last time I went through stasis, I came out all torn and spend two years in deep depression. But the terror of those two years was mostly induced by an insane lonliness and the blackness of the place that is Bellevue. I'll come back if I go this time. I'll come back and I trust the maturity and love of the friends I have now. I'll come back because this place is Home in some way, and my heart belong here for a few more years. I just need to go away to find out where inside me it belongs. There are always so many questions. And I have it so good right now, but it can never last.

Yesterday I got two stickers while I was at Sundance market, some of those little hippie stickers. One reads "SIMPLIFY," the other, "my friends kick ass." I look at them from my computer and I think happy thoughts. Little bubbles rise to the surface of my mind, all the things I've done to bring me here and how I never want to leave. The song on my playlist is These are the Days by the 10,000 maniacs:


These are days you'll remember.
Never before and never since, I promise, will the whole world be warm as this.
And as you feel it, you'll know it's true that you are blessed and lucky.
It's true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you.
These are days you'll remember.
When May is rushing over you with desire to be part of the miracles you see in every hour.
You'll know it's true that you are blessed and lucky.
It's true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you.
These are days.
These are the days you might fill with laughter until you break.
These days you might feel a shaft of light make its way across your face.
And when you do you'll know how it was meant to be.
See the signs and know their meaning.
It's true, you'll know how it was meant to be.
Hear the signs and know they're speaking to you, to you.

I was up until 3:30 in the morning last night just talking. It's been a while since I've done that, especially online. And it was a conversation that pretty much spanned the depth and breadth of my range of emotions but came out at a higher point than I would have expected. These days, I never cease to be amazed at the power of human will and human emotion. We don't know where we're going but somehow we'll get there, those of us who go together.

I think I might drown in joy depite my fear and despite my lonliness. Sometimes everything is just too beautiful for words.