the mist rises
It's the time of year when the fog comes. It shrouds the world in a thick, white coat of silence. In a way, it's Oregon's sexy version of snow. It pours off the river basin and through the woods; winds through campus and up to the hills. Looking down from the top of the butte, the world is a sea of white, a sea of quiet cloud.

On Monday, the night the mists rose, Justin and I woke up at 2:30 to crane our necks upward at the remains of the Leonid showers. The sky was still crystal clear, as it had been all day, but the moon was up, making it too bright to see. The mist had begun to creep up from the ground, late as it does on its first night, and was only to the tops of the trees when we went out. It circled the sky like an ethereal halo, not quite blocking out the stars but obscuring the black of the sky with the faint haze of dew.

These nights, going over the Bridge is a true crossing between worlds. The world fades away over the arc of the incline until there is just the hush of fog and water dotted with the growing lights of the northern shore. I always feel as if I'm crossing a sea to some nameless foreign shore. I've been convinced that, recently, as the mist grows thicker, I can hear music filtering out from the woods. At the apex of the bridge, I'm never sure if where I'm going is where I think I'll end up. My head grows lighter, thick with the fog and something in my mind tells me that if I don't focus on where I'm going and where I've been, I will not escape the mist.

The last night I've been particularly vulnerable to the crossing. Last night I was weak with hunger, blood sugar at a critical low. When we crossed the bridge, Justin and I, I thought that I could see the lights of ships ahead of me, a darkening harbor. I heard the low call of flutes. My head pulled me far away. Straining after him, I followed down the other side. I have a feeling if he hadn't been there, I might have been lost.

Tonight, I heard the flutes again, soft and calling. But I was tailing another cyclist, my guide and grace, who had a light mounted on the front of his bike that held back the darkness.

It's a shame, I'd love to embrace the mist and to find my way lost into it. I think I need to take Alex on a crossing and see if we two can't find the gates through to the echoes of this other place I'm seeing. But now I'm not ready, I'm in the wrong state of mind, I'm weak and tired and angry.

I've been feeling more and more lately that college is running my life rather than enriching it. I used to think I'd come here to enjoy myself and now I feel as if my classes are just using me. I guess I forget that I'm in control of choosing them. Regardless, I know what I want to major in and how I need to do it and the requirements are just... packed... into my schedule. I keep telling myself that I can't afford to stay here another year. I can only go abroad if I get it funded by scholarships. I have too many loans.

I wish college were less expensive.

And I wish it weren't about requirements and tests and standadization and money and bureaucracy and hoops. I thought it was supposed to be about experience.

Personally, I don't feel alive. I fee like a tool. I feel like a cog. I can't BELIEVE how much I have to do just to get by.

And I know I'm an overachiever. I've always known that. But I've been able to enjoy it in the past. And to do it without killing myself. Perhaps it's just that there's too much here for me. Too many paths to go down at once. I really feel like I can combine everything I'm doing into a fulfilling lifestyle but right now I'm required to maintain these things separately and I just can't juggle that much. I want to BREAK the status quo but I don't want to do it by dropping everything and running away to some pseudo-grassroots existence. I want to break it by conquering. I know I'm smart enough.... I just don't know if I'm strong enough.

I don't have self-esteem issues anymore. This overachievement is my self destruction and also my self enrichment.

I need to find a way to simultaneously nurture the body and the soul.

There are two things that really bother me. The first is being a walking zombie. I'm so tired I don't know what to do with myself. The lack of sleep really kills... and I just don't know how to make the day shorter and my sleep longer. (NOTE: this is taking 3 academic classes and next term I'm in 4) And it's not that I can't physically function without sleep, cos I know I can. It's that I'm emotionally broken.

I'm entirely a horrible person without sleep. It's not that I'm openly a bitch. It's that I withdraw into myself and take myself as far away from people as possible. I don't get in anyone's face or instigate bad situations, I'm simply awful to talk to. All I do is grunt and kvetch and take things the wrong way. It's easy to make social relationships degrade pretty fast like that.

That's what I've been feeling like lately. Everyone just pisses me off even though I know I really like them. And it's making it difficult for people to be around me it's all me, me, me. I'm sorry, everyone.

I hate this feeling of volatility. I hate feeling despondent and fed up with my life. But even more I hate the feeling that I know there should be no reason for it. It's like that strip from Cat and Girl, "oh, you poor little middle class liberal arts student."

Yes. POOOOOOOR me. I have the life of which so many dream. I CAN choose my path. I'm here learning. I'm being enriched. I'm making things happen. I'm being paid. I can eat and I can sleep safely. I have friends. I'm in love. My cat is the best every. Na na na na naaaa..... and so on.

So what? Why do I feel like crying? My life isn't empty, it's too full.

I want simplicity. I want everyone to stop asking so much of me so I don't have to work so hard to defy expectation. But why should I care about defying expectation anyway? Bah. What DO I WANT????

Sleep, I guess.

These people from Road Trip Nation came to campus yesterday and talked about how they went on this road trip to meet exceptional people cos they had no clue what to do after they graduated. They were motivational, yes, but it raised questions as to WHAT DEFINES SUCCESS.

They're also trying to get 3 more groups of students on the road this summer to film their own documentary of the people they'd meet. I'd love to do it but again it comes back to the issue of sleep. I'm rather stupid without it. And everyone would just hate me in the end!

Yarrr... I think I need some starbucks tonight. Some nice, decaf milkified coffee. MMMm...

Some self-maintenance. So I don't look like a zombie tomorrow in those photos.

Today I got myself a present and bought the new Tori Amos CD, Scarlet's Walk. Depending how much I get paid for the shoot tomorrow, I'll buy tickets to the Portland show. I have that to look forward to.

That and writing my feature for reporting, which I'm actually enjoying. I'm writing on self image acceptance and rejection and the social extremes-- i.e. Fat Liberation and Pro-anorexia. I've done a few interviews on both sides of the story and even talked to a published author for the Fat Lib movement today. She was wonderful! Flabulous, if I do say so myself. But more on that later. What I'm really looking forward to is winter break and BELIZE.

Ten days in Belize. MMMMM. AAAHHHHHH. Scuba diving and exploring tropica ruins. Good food and good people. And $1000 of budget money in my pocket. That's right. Tim (hi Tim!), Justin's dad, is giving each of us our $1,000 trip allotment to budget as we see fit so we can plan our own outings. WHAAAAA!!!

That's it, I really have nothing to moan about. I'm a spoiled brat. But... all things considered... I still need sleep.