wanderlust
I talked to a gent at the SRC yesterday. Mostly, I think he was trying to hit on me and failing because I was about 20 years younger than him. He first told me that I had a runner's body which, aside from being an obvious pick-up line even in a gym, I found very flattering. We did talk for some time and he asked me a lot of things about myself. IF you can't tell, I like to talk about myself, so talk I did. I told him what I was studying, what I do for work, where I'd like to go, etc etc. I've had this conversation plenty of times before and the reason I haven't gotten sick of having it yet is because it makes me confident. When I tell people that I'm nineteen, almost a senior, a magazine journalism major, Japanese minor, in the honors college, able to work most technical aspects of computer science without formal training, the publisher or a university magazine, a travel fiend and generally well off, I get a lot of jaw-dropped stares. It's like I have the resume of a superstar. It sounds so good. It sounds good to me too but I usually feel like the life I live is average. I know I'm a dreamer and an idealist but also a neurotic and an overachiever. I'm not a hypocrite, I'm just a libra. The life I live seems, by my standards, normal. When I have the chance to recount it to someone who hasn't heard it all before, I get a little (Read: big) thrill out of them telling me how far I'll go, how I'll never have any trouble getting a job, and how I'll succeed at anything I try. I love hearing this because usually I'm not convinced.

I don't know where I'm going. Sometimes I don't even know where I've been. I have no idea what I really want to do. I lack some of the optimism that would make me pleased with the value of my accomplishments. It means a lot to me to feel like whatever I pick, I can do it... but I know this isn't the case. I have a wanderlust and my only real desire is to fill it. So I ask myself, and now I ask you... what's better? To take the life that I've been given (and would inevitably have the option for even should this phase end), a life of comfortable residency, marraige, children, a job, money, etc... or to reject domesticity and fulfil my wanderlust, not settling for a home or a steady relationship until, one day, if at all, I want it. I tend to see ignoring the wanderlust as the WORST option, because I think it would eventually destroy me. I have too many questions to be ignored. Unfortunately, all past attempts to really free myself have only ended in getting back into the same rhythm again because of social, monetary, or physical constraints. It's also hard to break and run from the only life you know. Domesticity can be as much an unhealthy addiction as anything else. I would feel like it was killing a part of me not to acknowledge my urge to go it alone. Maybe I'll find someone who really wants to come with but is independent enough to seek themselves? But I feel so selfish and guilty for visualizing a future in which I cut ties to people and places because they can't come with me. It happens, even if you don't want it to.

Should I just be happy with what I've got/ could have?
Should I indulge the wanderlust and see what's out there?