married... with confusion
Ok, before I get started, here is the test skin for "waiting for rain." Yes, it's brown and desolate and the colors look stupid anywhere but on Frederick so the unofficial vote is that I hate it. On the other hand, it's about how I feel right now. What the hell is the matter with you, you ask? Um, well, I'm not sure. Again, I think it has to do somewhat with the definition of the "real world" I was offering before. If I don't get my reality checked every now and then (not in a bad way, mind you), the part of my mind that is a real screwed up idealist starts dreaming. And dreams usually fuck me up more than reality. Reality I can cope with, I have to, because it's real. But dreams... well, they exist but on a much more intangible level. You can't just banish them without feeling haunted or empty. I woke up this morning feeling used and betrayed by my mind. In fact, I got up and then had to crawl back into bed because I was so confused. I'm still confused. There's nothing here to really keep me from believing I'm still dreaming except the hard lines of my desk beneath my hands. That feeling is somehow comforting. And I have memory... it's always confusing to lose your mind, even in dreams.

I can remember all of yesterday in a way that tells me I was sober all day, there's nothing clouding my mind. Yesterday I did research for Justin on TVs and DVD players. We've settled on a Sony single-disc DVD ($149) and decided to splurge for the 24" Sony Trinitron Wega TV ($400). I think it'll be worth it except for the frustrating waiting. No instant gratification for us- neither of the places we went had it in stock so we have to wait another half a week for them to get it in. Ah well. It's all his cash, even though I put in $170- I owed him as much for deposits on the apartment. C'est la Vie. Yesterday I also started reading The Rules the terrible little book that Sara gave me. Sara bought it at Smith Family Books for an amusing read. Amusing it is, but also vomitously horriffic and it's causing me no end of pain. The authors of this book want to set women back a hundred years... it's really terrible. For all you self-proclaimed feminists out there, fear this book. Basically, the premise is this: Dress and act like a tease, lead a man on until he's obsessed with you, make sure to never find out anything emotional about him, never, under any circumstances, reveal your true self (no matter how much you want to)- then marry him and be happy for the rest of your life. What is this, Hookers-R-Us? Gimme a fuckin break here. "The man must propose because biologically, he is the aggressor." Sounds a lot like the Naturalistic fallacy to me. Might as well say 'The man must beat his wife because biologically, he is the aggressor.' Ladies please, have a little more self respect. The complete irony here is that the woman who wrote the book, the ultimate "rules girl" just got divorced. Ha. A little trouble in the sea of bliss, darling? Can't take rocking the boat? Please. No marraige is perfect, everyone knows that. To expect otherwise is to be jaded. Life is hard. Love is great but dirt and sweat and blood come with years of marraige. You can't flirt forever, that's bullshit. It's hard work after a while, not romance. Let's see... shall I regale you with some quotes from this fine literary masterpiece (touted as a #1 New York Times Bestseller)?

First off, let me say that this whole thing is about getting a husband. Like a woman needs a man... like she's desperate for one. This is not equality. I like company as much as the next girl but to stake my happiness on whether or not I have a sexual or romantic partner is below me. Please. Anyway...

This is a gem: "If you walk around in any old clothes on the theory that what counts is only what's inside, not your outside, think again! Men like women who wear fashionable, sexy clothes in bright colors. Why not please them?" (p. 17) Why not please them?!?!?! Give me a fucking break!!! And it goes on... "Always remember that you are a creature unlike any other (rule number one, not bad advice), a woman (also true). Don't aspire to the unisex look. Buy feminine-looking clothes to wear on the weekends as well as during the workweek. Remember that you're dressing for me, not other women, so always strive to look feminine." What what WHAT??? Oh yeah, I dress for men. No, I dress for me. I dress sexy because it feels good. I like looks, sure. But because they please ME, not THEM. Whose life am I living, anyway???

Oh, this is great.... "Don't leave the house without wearing makeup. Put lipstick on even when you go jogging!" (p. 19)

And... "yo're looking for lovce and marriage so you can't always do what you feel like." (p. 30) Yay. Sounds like fun for the rest of my life.

Accroding to the Rules you can't talk to a man first. You can't call him. You can't open up to him. You can't confide in him. And this is expected to amgically blossom into a loving marraige? Give me a break. I'm not hoping for true love anyway, but this isn't even near real-world love in my book. Granted, it may be true that the rules will make a man attracted to you. There is something to be said for personal mystery. There is definitely something to be said for acting as if you are beautiful, confident, and have a wonderful life... that will make you infinitely more alluring. You may even begin to believe it yourself. But I find it disgusting that these women want to base their most intimate relationships on a complete void of intimacy. Like I said, it may be true that the more mysterious and brush-offish you are, the more men follow you around (even those you don't want) but in my mind, this shouldn't mean you settle for these men. Might be fun, playing the dating game... and I know, from personal experience that it can even be fun to be the prize that's sough over. It feels good but I can tell you honestly, it's the WORST thing a woman can do to herself.

I'll take my chances and be myself because I won't settle for a man that wants less than the real me, even my fits of depression. He has to love me enough to take it all and if I act sappy and gleeful all the time, that just isn't real. I'm not selling myself out to go "fishing," I'm playing for real friendship here. It might not be as exciting... but it's real and comforting and safe and it will last.

I suppose the best precie for the book would be excerpts from the back cover:

"...THE RULES recognize certain facts of life. That men know what they want. That a man is either attracted to you-- or not! That men want a challenge, not an instant or easy victory.....

The goal? Marraige, in the shortest time possible, to a man you love, who loves you even more than you love him."

*vomits onto the floor, gets a dirty look from the boss* EXQUEEZE ME? Men know what they want? Bullllll-shit! The other two, I think vary from person to person and I respect that but come ON. Ugh.

In any case, I'm only about halfway done with the book, so there will be more evil quotes to come. This book gave NIGHTMARES! Ok, so they weren't nightmares in the traditional sense but by now you should have guessed a little something about me. I don't particularly like the idea of marraige, especially an uncertain marraige. In fact, the institute itself makes me feel cynical and insecure. In light of recent events (sic. Justin's parents) I'm even less fond of jaded views of relationships. So in this dream I had last night I was rather flustered to find that, having just returned from travelling abroad, I was getting married. Needless to say, this idea didn't make me happy. It was even more confusing when someone else decided to try and marry me instead and worse when I couldnt remember who I was really supposed to be with. I ended up trying to marry both to negate the mistake. We all know that doesn't work...

Read the whole dream.

I woke up after this dream, at freakin 7 AM this morning and proceeded to get ready for work. I felt empty and needy and betrayed by my own mind (welcome to the world of kat's dreams). Eventually I gave up on starting my day like a normal person and just crashed again. I feel better now... slightly traumetized but better. At least reading this book makes me feel like a real person, not a whoring bimbo. It makes the world less confusing when you're confident. Now.. I think... I'm me, and there's no immediate danger of marraige.