of timetables and trains
It�s sometimes a very strange experience to ride a JR �theme train.� By �theme train� I mean, of course, a train on which one company has bought all of the advertising-- inside and out�to effectively coat the train with their product. I�ve ridden the Gap train, the Tabasco train, the Green gum train, the Adidas train and today I rode the Quoo train. What�s even more disconcerting is that these �theme trains� are usually the newer JR models equipped with video screens for both informational and advertising purposes. The same advertisement(s) play over an over again in an endlessly assaulting loop.

Last week, just as I stepped onto the Yamanote line at Takadanobaba station, everything stopped. All the trains currently on the rail, including the Yamanote going the other direction and the incoming Seibu Shinjuku train, both clearly visible outside the window, came to a complete halt. The doors of the JR hung open past the blaring of the announcement that they were closing. A few people left the train. A few looked confused. Far more just didn't seem to care. After a minute or so, the conductor announced over the PA that something had happened with the Chuo line. I wasn't sure where the delay originated but I gathered it was either Higashi Nakano or Shinjuku. The trains started moving again after two or three minutes on the rail and the conductor apologized profusely for the delay on bahalf of JR.

When we came into Shinjuku, there was an ambulance pulled up to the turnaround outside the downstairs ticket gate and the crew wass just unloading. I followed them back into the station, a second behind or a second ahead. Lo and behold, the medical crew, stretched in tow, went upstairs to the Chuo express platform and into the statiomasters office. I stood around suspiciously while two trains came and went but I didn't see any indication of a violent or bloody end (not surprising, given that the line was running). After ten minutes, the crew came out with a pale, immobile and extremely ill-looking-- but not dead-- woman on the stretcher. I can only guess she either has a lingering health condition or perhaps is one of the many girls here who insist that anorexia is a "diet" and finally had heart failure on the platform. Eh.

Among my friends here who live outside the dorms, I have one of the shortest commutes to Waseda. It's a mere 45-ish minutes from my house in Minami Nakano all the way to building 22. A little less than an hour if I walk to Shinjuku. The only reason my commute is this long is because I have to take the bus before transferring to the JR for two stops. What surprises me is how EXHAUSTING the whole thing is; especially the commute home. Even for so short a distance the crowds, the smoke, the noise and the heat are utterly sickening. I miss the seven-minute leisurely bike ride to campus at the UofO.

I now have exactly thirty days left before I return to the states. I'm anticipating my return with a strong sense of excitement and dread. I'm going to be such a MESS after I get back... so out of place and so lost EVEN THOUGH my entire summer is lined up for me. Looking forward is like looking into the haze of an imaginary life, which is exactly what it was like looking forward before I came here except more dangerous as I have a clearer *picture* of where I'm going. They say the return home is more difficult than the transition coming in. Conceptually, I can understand why. Realistically, I dread the transition. If it's WORSE than the adjustment I experienced coming to Japan, the crushing torture of being utterly lost, I don't know how my personal relationships can survive it.

On the other hand, I've changed a great deal since coming here, more than I ever could have expected or hoped. I don't think it's unrealistic to believe those changes may have gifted me the personal strength to endure problems (transitional, temporary, permanent, personal, whatever) that I may have seen as insurmountable before.

Many of the changes I've undergone are the obvious: building personal strength, learning to endure the Other, undertaking learning a new language, dealing with a new cuture, etc etc. There are many elements of my personality, however, that have changed much differently than I would have expected. For example, I came here believing I wouldn't be able to identify or make friends with any of the people in my program. Perhaps as an outcome of the stress of being here or the cumulative bitching about the shittiness of Waseda classes, I've grown extremely close with many people who I perhaps would have previously regarded with an air of distaste. Though I'm still a loner and "don't play well with others" in general, I am capable of reaching out when I need it.

As an added surprise, Japan has made me more effeminate. I did buy skirts and dresses in preparation for my trip, as I wanted the chance to dress nice at school as supposedly is the trend here. Though I do have the boots and the bag and I have worn these swanky things a FEW times, I've "dressed up" far less often than I thought I would. Instead, I've grown an affinity for things that I perhaps would have deemed distastefully girly. Eyeliner, for example. The color pink. Hair spray. Talking about shopping. Nail polish. It's terrible, I know. I'm going straight to hell. Of course I don't take these things with a grain of salt. As opposed as I am to commercial anti-feminism in fashion, I also like to think that presenting a well-nurtured self-image to the public is important. Shit, I sound like Estee Lauder... and it's sad that I even know that.

Oh well, I like to be a walking contradiction... and now I can tick off BOTH tomboy and sorostitute on my list of things that I "am and am not," along with GEEK and GAP GIRL. Yahoo.

All righty. I'm going to hit the sack as I've got to get up at 4:30AM to catch a bus to the countryside for the weekend. Back Monday.