the watcher
I've been feeling strangely apathetic these past few days... but also ancy as if I'm waiting for something big to happen. I don't think it has anything to do with my plane ticket situation, as I've pretty much resolved to the fact that I'll have to cough up another $500 to $800 for a separate return ticket home as there are now no seats available even on the flight from Narita to Vancouver since the agency still hasn't been able to answer my questions or demands.
Rather, I feel like I'm impatiently watching my own life for the appearance of the next important plot element. I remember this feeling. It's the feeling that I get after reading a good story or watching a good movie/series, that perhaps some of the magic of the characters or setting has transferred into my own life. I remember, for days and weeks after finishing an involving story when I was younger, this feeling would attach to me, a sort of fleeting romance. But it's been years since I've really allowed myself to feel this way... because even this fictional "possession" involves some sort of innate pleasure in one's life and a satisfation that allows self-impowerment. First, I've been too busy to invest much time in fantasy and second, I've spent the past "however long" being far too unforgiving of myself to permit this secret pleasure.
But now.
I'm sure it's Spring, to some extent. But I imagine that far more of my refound ability to dream comes from my reassertion of self. I have accomplished the one thing I dared not hope to expect... I have found strength enough to stand on my own two feet and say "I am here, in this now and this is my life MOVING FORWARD." No more second-guessing; there are no words unspoken. What avenues remain unwalked will stay that way for good reason.
So now, when I watch movies or read stories, I no more cast myself as the victim or villain and my lover in a similarly dark role. Even though I enjoyed playing that part for a time, I'd forgotten for too long the simple luminant joy of being my own heroine. I forgot that I deserve to play the good
But my refound involvement in the story creates for me also an unfortunate distraction from real life and the expectation in my life or more excitement than is probably due. When I finish one book/movie series, I'd much rather move on to the next than do homework/sleep/eat/etc. And I certainly don't have time to devote to passive entertainment either.
The point of this whole entry is that I'm upset that I've finished the anime series Full Metal Panic. Despite one reader's suggestion that I download and watch the comedic sequel, Full Metal Fumoffu (??!?!), I don't think that I would enjoy it as much. I really liked the characters in FMP and ONLY because there was a certain serious aspect of the series that well balanced the juvenile (but somehow still remarkably funny) humour. I liked the characters enough that I forgave gaping plot holes, explanative oversights, dead-end storylines and even anticipated an unresolved ending but kept watching because my primary investment in the series was the developing relationship between the two lead roles. Which, of course, went nowhere in the end... damn you Japanese traditional storylines!!! ARRRRGHHHHHH....
So. Yeah. I need more movies and fast. Thankfully, there are a LOT I want to see that are coming out here in Japan but that means MONEY. The cheapest (and best!) seats are 1000 yen (about US $10) at Roppongi Hills and that's an "Exchange Student Discount" from the normal rate of 1800 yen. Ouch. So here's my list. Give me more, especially anime.
-Kill Bill Vol. 1 (playing at the Waseda "cheap" theatre for 800 yen)
-Kill Bill Vol. 2 (eye candy. swords. violence. nuff said.)
-Peter Pan (I saw a preview for this and I almost creamed myself... OMFG...)
-Appleseed (uh, ditto. eye candy squared. w0w.)
-Lost in Translation (this WILL be in Tokyo soon, damn it!)
-Heisei tanuki gassen pompoko (A Ghibli/Miyazake film about Tanuki. Shut up.)
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