z e n b l i s s
It's nice to be "separate but equal" here. As an outsider, I not only gain a unique perspective on the Japanese culture but also on myself. This trip is tuning me not only externally but also internally. In my moments of introspection, I've discovered that I have several irritating and rather irrisolvable personality traits that cause me no end of problems:

1) I'm the sort of person who tries to be everything and everyone to everyone else. I want to do everything, see everything, try everything and please everyone. And though my intentions are good and I seek adventure wisely, I simply cannot walk all roads at once. When I try to be everyone and everything, I stray so far from my true self that I become lost. I must remember not to try to please everyone all the time because it simply makes me too stressed. I have to find a place and a medium that is my own.

2) I take everything very slowly. I am the sort of person who wants to do everything but does everything very meticulously and with eyes open to learn anything I can. I sightsee slowly... I study slowly... I make friends slowly. I need to take things at my own pace and therefore find interaction in large groups very difficult and often discover that I have no time left in the day after taking daily tasks at my own "slow" pace. There simply are not enough hours, days, months and years for a leisurely adventurer.

3) As a result of both of these dilemmas, I have definite trouble making decisions or deciding amongs multiple commitments.Every day, my life is plagued by problems of division. I wrack my mind stressfully over the smallest things. Where will I go? What shall I buy? Should I spend money to eat out with friends? Should I study? Should I socialize? Each decision rips me apart since I feel the need to do everything but am unable to finish even the smallest tasks because of my slow pace. I want to walk all roads at once to see everything from both sides of the scale. Unfortunately, this is also impossible and attempting it has left me my entire life a bit of a divided soul (but probably an interesting person to talk to).

Being in Japan has exacerbated the difficulty I have with both large groups and making choices that are true to myself rather than for the satisfaction of other people. Fortunately, however, it is helping resolve (or at least clarify) the third and largest problem. I can't live my whole life divided among multiple paths with feet and hands clutching at each, never making a solid decision until I am sure. Now that I'm here, I'm separated from the banal existence that embued me with apathy in Eugene and free to think more liberally about my present existence and future choices. Being far from the people, places and lifestyle choices that confuse me has been immensely clarifying already, even though I've only had about two weeks of mentally "clear" time to consider the consequences of my time abroad.

Over the last two weeks I have grown in ways that I never could have considered. I know that my closest confidantes, friends and lover at home are also learning about themselves in my absence. I speak for myself when I say this, but the self-discoveries I am making, while yet only clarfying obvious dilemmas and emotions, have lifted so many curtains from my mind that I can already see myself so much better from the "outside" than I have ever been able to before.

Just being here has already given me so much hope and optimism for my future. Despite huge amounts of loan debt and despite everyday obligation and necessity, the world will remain an incredible and amazing place if only I can open my eyes to it. I have gained so much faith in people... even though most foreigners here, especially my CIE classmates, annoy me moreso than at home while in large groups. And I'm trying to attempt to face and embrace matters of the heart without lying to myself or feeling guilty and ashamed about any doubts and problems I might contemplate.

I often find myself thinking of love and about how I want to proceed with my relationship(s) back home. I'm wondering about the meaning of my inability to give of myself completely intellectually, conversationally and emotionally to Justin despite my desire to stay with him. And, of course, I think a lot about the the rather ironic division between Justin, Alex and I which is probably at the root of all these problems. While I hope to have some new insight about resolving this triangle by year's end, I've so far only opened my eyes to the things that were previously clouded by proximity. While I relish the drama, intensity, complexity and insight that our tangled relationship provides, I don't think I can spend the rest of my life divided, unable to give of myself in all ways to one person. I need to take my feet out of these doors and step forward. I need to find a way to become whole.

Right now, being apart from everything and everyone has lifted all regret, anger and negativity from my heart. I don't have to deal with the potentially monumental consequences of day-to-day interpersonal interactions. I hold everyone in only the warmest regards. And with this uncomplicated and positive feeling towards people back home, I can open myself up to new resolutions. I can see options here that I may never have seen firsthand in America. I feel unafraid to express the sentiments I am learning in my solitude. So, with an open mind and an open heart, I find myself filled with love for everything and everyone.

At least once a day, in my moments of solitude while in transit, I find myself transfixed with the beauty of this city, the wonder of my life and amazement at the world, often on the verge of tears. I literally have NO IDEA where I will go from here. I can see four or more roads stretched out, open and clear before me. Which will I take? Of course, these roads were always there and I was always aware of them but now I'm able to see the "big picture" rather than focusing on small details. When I return to the immediacy and obligation of America, I know things will become both heavier and more complicated but I hope to have some better idea of where I am going by then. Maybe, for once life will make the decision for me and I will be both relieved AND satisfied.

I know one simple thing for a fact now already. Japan is an amazing, beautiful, wonderous place filled with kind (if impersonal) people, incredible scenery, wacky non-sequitors and yummy food... and there is NO WAY I will ever, ever, ever have enough time during this year, even WITH a seven-week break, to do everything that I want to do. I will have to come back. I WILL be back to Japan again to travel and perhaps to live for an extended period. This year I must focus on learning the language and breaking down barriers into understanding. In the future I will have time to see the hundreds places that are still hidden to me and to ask the bajillions of questions that have yet to be answered.

Even now, with routine and obligation, there is so much to see and so much to do all around me and so much I desperately want to see and to do. Yet I am unbelievably, blissfully happy.

Music has meaning again.

I have remembed youthful fascination.

I remember what it is like to, every day (even if now between stressors), fall in love with a little piece of the world.

So, Tokyo... Nara... Kyoto... Nikko... Hokkaido... Sapporo... Okinawa.... I promise you that I am, in a way, here to stay. Right now, I don't think I could ask for a better place to be.


[Tomorrow: All about our Nikko trip...]