she's got huuuuge... tracks of land
my diatribe against breast implants
So yesterday I was looking at Miller Lite's new ad girl, Kitana Baker, through a link from fark. And I made the offhand comment to Justin, "Well, she's a nice looking girl and gosh, she has hips.. but it's too bad her boobs are fake." After a moment of looking at her pictures himself, he turns to me and says, "So why is it that any woman who has big breasts, that they have to be fake?" Implying, distinctly, "Why is it with you that any woman with large breasts has fake breasts?" I was like, "UM... because they do."

You see, boys, ninety nine percent of women in the population that are normal sized (read: size 10-12 ladies) and probably ninety nine point six percent of women who are THIN or SLIM do not have large breasts. In fact, these "large breasts" of which you are thinking are a wet dream fantasy invented by men who are longing for their mother's lactating bosom. At least, that's all I'm at a loss for any other reason. Because, you'll understand, THAT is the only time breasts naturally get that big.

Don't get me wrong, I've known some girls who've been naturally blessed. I've even known a few girls of the more petite size with really large breasts. BUT. The eyes can't be fooled. Natural breasts have several capabilities which fake ones do not. First, real breasts are not always COMPLETELY ROUND. Second, they MOVE when the body moves. THIRD, and most importantly, GRAVITY works on them. Now, I've known some people on whom gravity works less, and of them I am envious... everyone loves perky... but when you can pole dance like Miss Katana and your breasts stay in the same PLACE, they are not real.

This, my dear friends, is why most women will critique other women with large breasts. Because we can usually tell if they are not real. Am I right, girls? Does it not make sense that a woman would be a good judge of breasts? And what really pisses me off is that most women who get implants do so for cosmetic objectification rather than neccesity. There are plenty of good reasons to have breast implants. So that you'll get more play from men is NOT one of them and sadly, I'm sure it's the most widely used. To me, cosmetic implants are the most sick, degrading body modifications. It's taking perfectly healthy (albeit smaller), functional breasts and turning them into a useless toy. These breasts will never feed a child. (amended: they can still "work") These breasts will never FEEL anything again. All purpose and pelasure has been lost to make them visibly different to the eye, to be made "more attractive" or "more desireable." If this isn't objectification, then what is?

And why do men even go for this? When I see a woman with implants, I think of a cow with a plastic udder. Guys, you do realize that your dream woman with those huge, lovely pillows for you to wuzzle your face into gets NOTHING out of you touching them? You do realize that you're fondling SILICONE? YUM. I don't know how this is appealing. It's like licking beachballs.

So you know what? Yeah, I get mad when I see some good looking girl who mutilated her body for the sake of objectification and when I make a comment about some bimbo's boobies, they probably ARE fake. It's really not that hard to tell.