Schoolgirl Sophistry

2006-02-27T18:40:00.000-08:00

Archival Update:

This blog is no longer maintained. My new blog is at Numine.com. If you are here to read posts from the ten months I lived in Tokyo, see below:

September 2003

October 2003

2005-08-13T20:35:00.000-07:00

Numine.com
I am no longer updating Schoolgirl Sophistry. The domain expires on the 19th, and when it does, this blog will vanish. That doesn't mean I don't have the archives backed up, or that my gallery content is gone either. But interestingly, it does mean that this particular "identity" will cease to exist.

All of the change that's recently occurred-- graduation, moving, etc-- signifies a rebirth. I'm not rejecting who I am, by any means, but who I am is changing. And I'm no longer the "schoolgirl" who started this blog. (No, really, go back and read the archives... it's almost shameful.) I need a new place to keep my thoughts and a new place to showcase my photography. The new domain is "numine.com," but content won't be up for a while... maybe a two weeks, maybe a month, maybe more. But that's it, and if you're interested, keep checking back.

With that, farewell, and it's been nice knowing you if I don't see you again.

=^_^=

2005-08-09T09:28:00.000-07:00

moving house
Next week is our annual trip to Glacier National Park and the week after that is my last week in Eugene. I still don't have a job, but I don't mind. A month or two of perpetual unemployment doesn't sound bad, especially considering I can ride out my food stamp benefits until they expire in October. If I haven't gotten myself a position in September, I'll visit Banff, Canada, with my family for a week, then go to Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco with Monk, Matisse and the rest of the perverts. Then it's round the wheel one more time to my 23rd birthday... and so on.

This domain expires on the 19th of this month-- and that means sometime next week while I'm in Glacier, it will disappear forever. Don't fret, I have commandeered a new alias, but I'm not sure yet if I want to share. I may even join the ranks of kinky Seattle bloggers once I move... but THAT address is only one I'll give out to select few. In any case, I have a few days left to consider what I want to do.

2005-08-08T11:57:00.000-07:00

Wedding Fever

My best girl pal, Rachel, and her lovely man, Micah, were married on Saturday, August 6th, at 3:36PM, PST.

Justin and I (that's us in the photo, btw) met in Corvallis on Friday to offer them our event support as members of the wedding party-- and the only ones who were not immediate family, at that. Rachel was a very "good" bride. She didn't freak out or go Bridezilla on us at all, and only pulled one major "oops" by leaving the weddign certificate at home. Not to worry, another Llama brought the paperwork on Saturday and they were officially married by Internet-sanctioned Pastor Paul.

The ceremony was lovely and I was only a sobbing mess for, uh, most of it, as I predicted. Rachel and Micah held themselves together quite well. I'm not sure I can expect as much composure of myself at my wedding as they demonstrated on Saturday.

The reception, of course, was fabulous as well, catered by Cornucopia and kept in stock of wine by Tyee Wineries where the whole thing was held. We danced, caroused and ate deeeelicious cake. I even managed to fulfil my ambition of catching the bouquet tossed by the bride. Looks like I'm next, eh? Not like I mind or anything... but Justin says we have to wait till we live in the same zip code. Leave it to him to be logical. I already asked Rachel to be my bridesmaid. I think I might be *slightly* insane.

In my joy at my two good friends being wed, I then had ENTIRELY too much to drink (another goal) and really can't remember much of the after party. Except something about Sprite and Ouzo... and three shots in a row of gin/tequila/gin with Micah's dad. I'm pretty sure I smoked a cigar. And that I had a good time. But I only really started to come to when I was throwing up out of Justin's car window and there was a police officer asking us if everything was ok... which it was, and we went back to the hotel where I was ill for a while longer and then slept like a lot to awake to the worst, and most well-earned hangover I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. Most drinkingest night ever, in truth.

Taking part in the RacheMicah wedding was an exhausting, intense, and unbelievably joyful experience. I was honored to be a part of the crew, and still find myself giddy at the thought of their matrimony. 'Taint much more I can say, except to rephrase the closing of my wedding toast to them...

My greatest hope is that they remain close to those they love: their friends, their family, and most of all, each other.

HURRAY, MICAH AND RACHEL!!

2005-08-04T22:43:00.000-07:00

The times, they are a'changin...
Off to Corvallis for Micah and Rachel's wedding tomorrow. Hurray for being a bridesmaid!

2005-07-24T21:23:00.000-07:00

Cicada Hum
I'm bored, lonely, and rather apathetic. It feels good to be empty-headed for once, even if some quarantined corners of my brain are still shrieking, "You should be working on your cover letters, preparing more job applications, and trying desperately to get your magazine reprinted!" But somehow, I'm not sure any of that matters. I don't think I'll succeed in getting my magazine reprinted-- I think that project was doomed from the start for poor timing and a lack of concrete motivation-- and I really don't feel like hurrying to get a job. Even if the position for which I've just applied falls through (*coughs dryly*) which, I daresay it may, I'm not likely to submit, follow through on, and interview for any other positions in the next month when the three weekends following next are taken up by Rachel and Micah's wedding and then our annual Glacier Trip.

I feel sinfully lazy. But really, financial stressors aside, I don't want to leap headfirst into an uncertain career even if society says I ought to. I want to start somewhere groovy and decide from there where to go. (But this is why I DO feel good about working for the mag for which I just applied.) I see nothing logistically wrong with going to Seattle FIRST and looking for a job SECOND, especially now that we've got our housing situation secured for the moment.

So, instead of doing anything productive, I've been laying in the sun and reading Dan Brown's Angels and Demons (the "prequel" to The Davinci Code). A fun little book, but for something purportedly "high IQ," I was disappointed to notice that the author seems to maintain the conviction that cell phones have a dial tone. Dolt. I'm quite brown from sunning myself, happily risking skin cancer for this, the last summer of vacations.

My domain expires in less than 30 days, and I'm not sure whether I feel frantic or passively resigned to this. I don't know if I can and should part with it, or simply archive and move on. I think Schoolgirl Sophistry (formerly "My So-Called Life") has served me well the last four years and is no longer a noble or self-sustaining cause. Any suggestions?

I'm going to lounge around and do more of nothing, hoping that my notoriously inconsiderate hippie neighbors realize that no one actually WANTS to listen to them blast Cake and folk rock at 10PM.

2005-07-22T16:41:00.000-07:00

stupid.
I am a complete moron. And I blame the Internet.

2005-07-21T18:59:00.000-07:00

Not... enough
Beh. I feel like the biggest loser right now. I'd been keeping my fingers crossed that I'd receive the scholarship to the Journalism and Women Symposium for which I applied a few months ago. Got word today that... obviously... I didn't. While it's true that I don't know exactly what "qualifications" they were looking for, I'm having a hard time thinking of something, besides markedly NOT being a minority, that would make me anything but an ideal candidate. I guess I got too cocky.

Tomorrow, I'm going to call The Stranger about the position for which I applied. This rejection from JAWS is really not making me feel very shiny about the whole thing. I just need to get my foot in the door... that's all. Please, please, just give me an interview. Give me something, anything, and I'll be the best you've ever had.

*sighs*

Well, I walked all over town today (literally all over, from 11th and Jefferson to the 5th street market, up Skinner's Butte and back by REI) in the sweltering heat. The upshot of it is-- and this is seriously awesome-- that got TOFU FOR A DOLLAR!!111 I discovered the Suratra tofu and tempeh outlet (I HAD noticed that my tofu was made in Eugene) and happened upon them 15 minutes from closing on one of the two days a week they're open. They were out of "seconds" (misshapen bits, and ends) so they just gave me a regular package. For practically free. And I love tofu. So today wasn't a total loss. Just mostly.

>_< Stupid scholarship.

2005-07-20T12:40:00.000-07:00

Backpacking Glacier Peak

( BACKPACKING PHOTOS )

Photos are up from out four-day, 40-mile, 7,900 ft. eleveation gain backpacking trip through the Glacier Peak Wilderness in North-Eastern Washington. And yes, that is a bear. In fact, it charged Justin. But it was cute, really. So cute we offered it out dirty dishes and ran away-- luckily, it wasn't interested. Many more adventures ensued, less of them with wildlife than with walking, and we all enjoyed ourselves (and relaxed!) quite thoroughly. My initial apprehension about carrying a 35 lb. backpack was assuaged with some proper load bearing adjustments and a lot of "just getting used to it." I'd do it again, in a heartbeat, any time I can get away.

2005-07-14T13:44:00.000-07:00

BWARRRRF
Blorp.

2005-07-12T09:44:00.000-07:00

Jackson Hole

JACKSON HOLE PHOTOS

The Four Seasons was fabulous-- a lot of expensive breakfasts and free pilates. There were about 30 members of the Speyer Dynasty there-- and yet it was somehow less stressful than 15 minutes in the car with five members of mine. We had a multitude of experiences from mountain climbing to river rafting, and yellowstone tours to catered dinners. I'm not feeling particularly verbose at the moment so I'll let the pictures speak for themselves. (That time of my life when I felt the need to chronicle every word of a journey on paper is over, which may be forboding for my future career in travel journalism... though I suppose getting paid changes matters a bit.)

2005-07-11T22:32:00.000-07:00

I'm not dead...
Just buried. Between coming back from backpacking, Oregon Country Fair, prepping for Rachel's bachelorette party, job hunting, and putting together a photo CD for the Speyer family of the Jackson Hole trip, I haven't had free time. I'll post galleries of the trips shortly.

2005-06-24T11:10:00.000-07:00

$$
Hurrah! The Honors College just sent me a check to cover most of the cost of my thesis (sans donations), and I got another graduation check from family (man, people are seriously holding out!). Thankfully, this takes my credit card balance down to a much more manageable $400 and makes me not nearly as squeamish about getting GradMed insurance next month. Mom says I can get COBRA through her insurance, but it's something ridiculous like $270 a month. I can get three months of $250 deductible GradMed for less than that but it doesn't cover doctor's visits or prescriptions. Guess I can be happy I'm blessed with good health!

As of this afternoon I'm off to Jackson Hole. I may have internet at the swank hotel, and I may update with photos, but no guarantees. I'll be coming into Seattle on the 30th, after which Justin and I are probably going backpacking with my dad at Mount Rainier for a few days before coming back for a 4th of July party on a Lake Washington houseboat. Back in Eugene Tuesday, July 6th. Whee! Summertime!

2005-06-23T12:57:00.000-07:00

I make pictures of a horsy

2005-06-23T09:50:00.000-07:00

Vacation
I'm quite excited for Jackson Hole. And it's easy to tell because it's all I can think of while I'm twiddling my thumbs at work. In fact, I started packing last night (Wednesday) even though I don't leave until Friday afternoon. I'm taking my big suitcase, which always makes me feel excessive. It's a bit of a Catch-22 because my small suitcase never quite fits enough clothes for a week-long trip that requires formal, casual, cool-weather, AND warm-weather clothes plus appropriate shoes. But the BIG suitcase is just that... gigantic. And of course I feel like I can keep putting things into it because since I have so much space, I might as well bring more things! This doesn't foster good packing habits. Oh well.

We've got a lot of stuff on the roster. First, off, this is where we're staying. So that should tell you a bit about the rest of the trip. Justin and I get in tomorrow night after meeting in Salt Lake City. It looks like we're going hiking on Saturday, rafting on Sunday, for a private guided tour of Grand Teton/ Yellowstone National Parks on Sunday, playing golf and/or tennis on Monday, and so on and so on, with country club lunches and lodge dinners interspersed. It's seriously gonna rock my yuppie socks off. Justin's grandpa's 90th birthday celebration is Tuesday evening at the Four Seasons, for which I'm wearing my bridesmaid's dress (in black)-- I ought to get some use out of it!

Whee whee whee, I am excited. Blah blah blah, I am bored... now I'll go find some other entertaining drama on the internet. Something like... hmm... this.

2005-06-22T12:35:00.000-07:00

hump day
Gosh, when did I turn into such a GIRL? It's been a slow transition from my awkward high school days where I portrayed my lack of self confidence as "rejecting the status quo." (To be honest, though I still resent the mysogynistic body standard, I do feel that to a large extent, many people who say they "refuse to conform" either a) have low self-esteem, b) don't know how to take care of themselves, or c) don't value personal grooming.) I blame study abroad for my turn down the dark and dreaded (or maybe just pink and sparkly) road to girldom. I bought skirts before I went to Japan because, well, they wear them a lot over there, and even though I knew I wouldn't fit in at all, I thought I'd give it my best effort. Then I got eyeliner... for shits and giggles. And it's been getting worse ever since.

I still suffer from an occasional lack of perspective about my appearance, but for better or for worse, I've become much more confident. I'd say that I border on narcissistic on some occasions (this post maybe?). But I have certainly learned to value appearances. By that, I don't mean that one's bone structure, breast size, or eye color indicates their attractiveness or value in life. To the contrary, I feel that we work with what we're given but that what we're given ought to be taken care of.

I took to heart a line from the movie American Beauty: "In order to be successful, one must project an image of success at all times." It isn't about fashion or makeup or hair dye; it's about self-confidence. But I don't think there's anything wrong with taking care of yourself either. That's why I work out. And for that matter, why I paint my toenails or wear mascara... because it helps me feel good. And it's fun. But sometimes even I get carried away. Especially when I'm confronted with so many people (women especially) who use the vehicles of self-presentaion to mask their self-loathing. When makeup is a coverup instead of an amplifier. When a workout is a compulsion instead of an enjoyment. That saddens me.

I'm writing this post sort of as a confession. I think, upon occasion, I feel guilty about how much effort I put into my appearance on a daily basis. I tan myself, I straighten my hair, and though it makes me feel positive, it also seems quite silly. Now that I've graduated, I've been putting special thought into improving my dress. I feel somehow as if to authenticate my "right of passage" into the realm of adulthood, I ought to dress better. I still feel as if my clothes are cheap and juvenile because I'd much rather wear a t-shirt and jeans than designer anything. Call it a comfort issue, a financial issue, or whatever, but I often feel distinctivly UN-coiture.

It's not a big deal, I know it isn't. I'm probably just fiddling about because I'm looking for a job and I have to "put my best foot forward," so to speak. Having to purchase "interview clothes" and "work clothes" makes me look at the rest of my 3-year-old solid print t-shirts in a rather drab light. And then I feel silly, because I still wear them more than anything else.

But enough with the introspective drivel. I'm curious what you think: I believe that personal grooming is important, including dress, excersize, and personal care. I know some people don't care as much. How important do you consider appearance and why?

2005-06-20T22:12:00.000-07:00

Bathing Beauty
I just bought a new bathing suit.

I got my first bikini when I was twelve. If I recall correctly, it was this godawful dark green plaid thing with padding in the chest AND an underwire. (Is that a contradiction in terms?) It fit me horribly and at the time I was putting on more weight than was aesthetically wise for an awkward, gangly teenager in a two-piece. After my mom told me how bad I looked, I gave up on bikinis entirely...

Until my freshman year of college. I snapped out of that awkward phase, lost the "freshman fifteen," and treated myself to a little number from Pineapple Kiss, a great local bathing suit store. It's lasted me five years, but the fabric has started to pill. Stupid me for putting it in the washer/dryer a few times. And it's gotten so old that it has begun to literally come apart at the seams.

So today Rachelry and I went shopping for bathing suits, as I decided it was unsuitable (yuk yuk) for me to show up in Jackson Hole with a tattered bikini. One of the perils of shopping for a two-piece is that you generally have to buy the pieces separately. And they're expensive. But Old Navy had some cheaptacular bargains for $10 a piece. So I got one. Then I decided it sucked and got a real bikini-- by the makers of my original Freshman year suit. For forty dollars more.

It's expensive being a girl. But with luck it'll be another five-year investment. It's even bloody warrantied since they make them there in the store. (Guess they have a sweatshop in the back?)

2005-06-20T15:30:00.000-07:00

breaking even
As it turns out, I don't in fact have to make any interest payments on my private bank loan. It might be smart to do so, but I think I'll ride out my grace period 'till its end. I hope (no, I know!) that I'll have a decently-paying job by december. So this means that I can afford barebones health insurance through GradMed after all. No prescription coverage... but it should save me from bankruptcy if I need LifeFlight for any reason.

I'm at the part of the summer between where things fall apart and come together again. At the moment, it still seems as if everything is unravelling, but I'm in a lesser state of panic than I was mid-week last week. At the moment, my female roomate is in the process of selling her furniture and boxing her personal belongings. The problem with this is that it leaves my male roomate (who is staying through the next year) and I with no furniture and no kitchen stuff. He can survive with a pasta pot, a bowl, and a fork, and won't mind the house being as bare as a backyard meth-lab. But I, on the other hand, don't relish the thought and have no impetus to buy any furnishings or houseware because I already OWN a housefull of it up in Seattle. I suppose I can make do with the bare minimum for a month.

As far as my career search goes, worst case scenario is that Justin and I will get a place in Seattle and I'll work a shit job (retail or the like) while I look for a real job. You know, for the rent money and pocket cash. I just dread taking a hit to my current $10/hr income coupled with the increase in rent and sales tax. Beh. And I don't want to get stuck as a peon when I know I have infinite potential. Ah well, better not to worry needlessly about the future. I still have more than two months to work, including a good amount of vacation time.

Justin and I are off to Jackson Hole this Friday evening-- meeting in Salt Lake City-- for a week of living in lavish luxury on someone else's tab. Meanwhile, I'll keep my fingers crossed for job leads or hearing back from the Journalism and Women Symposium people about my application to their conference. Woo.

2005-06-16T23:11:00.000-07:00

new prospects
My, my, it's funny how easly I can swap into the rhythm of... not having a rhythm. Today I read 1.5 books, watched 3 hours of TV, and spent the better part of the day browsing the internet while I was at work. Then I went to a staff party at the department I support and was rained on while biking home. Hurray for clothes dryers.

I'm feeling less antsy about employment, only because everyone on the face of the planet keeps assuring me that I'm employable. "You're smart," they say, "and intelligent, and well-spoken, and sociable, and to top it off, you have technical experience and expertise in a wide variety of fields. I'd hire you!" Thanks, guys. So... um... hire me?

I'm formulating a loose plan that I will tie together into the first steps toward an active pursuit of a job. It goes something like this:

1. Finalize work on resume and draft a potential query letter to use as a last resort in addition to portfolio, etc.

2. Make a list of all the magazines and/or corporations in the Portland/Seattle area at which I would like to work

3. Exploit my personal and professional ties to find new contacts at any additional or related publications/companies

4. Make initial contact with the above people, perferably by telephone in person to set up a meeting (problem being, of course, f-ing TRANSPORTATION)

...this is where it gets hazy, so I'll hope for the best and fear for the worst

5. Attend meetings, blow them away, and get a badass job with benefits, a yacht, and a gazillion bucks

I should have up to step three done by the end of next week before we fly to Jackson Hole on Friday evening. Something tells me that steps four and five will take considerably more finesse. I'm beginning to wish that Justin WASN'T being evicted from his apartment complex (the damn management decided to turn it into condos August 14th), and that his boss hadn't gone off the deep end (fired his 13-year accountant and is heading the company into financial ruin). It helps that we're both flexible as far as where we can go and what we can do, but I do wish I had a more stable home base. *laughs* Well, we do both have parents in the Seattle area... but that's just so pathetic. Maybe a certain someone I know will have to train me to be a professional dominatrix; I hear the pay is pretty good. ;-) Ya never know.

Also, I am *very* thrilled, but I can't say why because it is a secret. It will suffice to say that some ladies I know may be getting a very iiiiiinteresting surprise sometime soon. Hee hee hee.

2005-06-15T13:04:00.000-07:00

Welcome to reality
So it begins. I can't afford temporary health insurance because I have a $290 interst payment on my $11,000 bank loan. Starting in December, I've got a $230/month payment for the next 12 years (followed by $130 a month for 10 more after that) on a ludicrious amount ($34,000) of student loans. And those are the ones in my name, not counting the parents' loans, which I also volunteered to assist in repaying.

I have no job and no job prospects, because apparently publications don't list jobs for writers in the classifieds. I just have to shoot off applications to the places I'd like to work and hope they're hiring. GREEEAT. Yeah, I know I'm employable, but it's really not inspiring when the classifieds have something to offer in every field but yours. (With the exclusion of high-level editorial and management, for which I am not qualified.) I don't even know where to begin. My one promising lead vanished in a piff of smoke with a lingering "neener-neener," and now I'm stuck figuring out where to look next.

I'm sure I'll get a job eventually, let's just hope I don't get injured in the meanwhile.

2005-06-14T23:57:00.000-07:00

Pomp Circumstances...

Graduation Photos

That's it, I'm done! I was given a B.A. from the School of Journalism and Communication , East Asian Language and Literature, and the Clark Honors College. I graduated Magna Cum Laude in the top 5 percent of my class and received departmental honors in Japanese and the Barbara Corrado Pope award for an excellent thesis in the CHC. I joined Phi Beta Kappa and Kappa Tau Alpha-- even though I'm convinced that honors fraternities mean nothing in the end.

My college education has come to a close. Yes, I feel vaguely saddened, but more than that I regret that I'll soon be leaving Eugene. My family visited this weekend and again reminded me how I love this town so much more than the obscene suburban sprawl of Seattle. I'll just have to enjoy my time left.

And what better way to do it that with this....

That's right, I got an EOS 20D from Justin for graduation. And a lovely Osprey Ariel60 backpack from my parents-- so I'll be taking this sucka into the great beyond, provided I can stand to put it in harm's way. Just this weekend we took a daytrip to Mckenzie pass to ogle the volcanic moonscape at the foot of the Three Sisters.

I'll be taking lots of pictures with this baby-- in Jackson Hole in a week and a half, and at Country Fair three weekends from now. Stay posted!

2005-06-10T12:47:00.000-07:00

Tribute
Tonight I attend the first of several ceremonies that mark the end of my college education. My entire family arrives this afternoon, and Justin a little later. I'll walk in the Honors College commencement this evening-- and I was notified a few days ago that I'll receive a special award for a distinguished thesis, one of only six awarded to over twenty "pass with distinction" theses. Tomorrow morning I'm going to the Phi Beta Kappa breakfast and initiation, followed immediately by the School of Journalism and Communication ceremony. I'd be excited if I weren't being physically overwhelmed by hay fever. I'm tired and congested, but it's almost impossible for me to sleep if I can't breathe. GUH! >_<

With each passing day I say goodbye to more people that I've come to know the last five years. The funny part is that if I hadn't run into some of them, I may not have even considered that I'd never see them again. But every time I meet up with each friend or passing acquaintance, I am again forced to think that it's the last time we'll meet. I always just say "I'll see you later" because, really, I *might*.

2005-06-02T23:17:00.000-07:00

with DISTINCTION
OK, so *this* is a little exciting.

I defended my thesis today. My advisors not only gushed about it during the entire Q&A session, but they convinced me to pursue an additional print run for distribution at the UO with funding from outside investors.

Then they passed me with distinction-- that's the highest honor an undergraduate can receive for an HC thesis. Basically, they're approving my work as if it were done at graduate level. And I think I get (another) special award at graduation! WOOHOO!! x-D

After the presentation I was overcome with the vague, haunting emptiness that accompanies losing one's purpose. In the BDSM community, they call it "bottom drop," the pit you fall into after losing a severe adrenaline rush. I drank a beer, cried for a while for no good reason, and then packed a weekend bag and rode up to Seattle with Justin and Monk. Didn't have anything better to do!

Summer vacation has officially begun. Might be my last one ever.

2005-06-01T18:46:00.000-07:00

It's not even exciting anymore
Woo, yay, I just accepted an invitation to become a member of Phi Beta Kappa, the nation's oldest and most reputable Honor Society. Those guys must be pretty smart, because they managed to get me to give them seventy dollars.

How come all the honors I'm ever offered are those that want to take my money rather than offer it to me? Is it because I'm secretly slated to have a high-paying job? Because I just don't see it. When I'm shivering somewhere in a cardboard box, I can clutch my PBK membership handbook and rock back and forth while remembering my golden years.

At least I get another freaking $10.50 honors cord. FAAAAAN-TASTIC!

2005-05-30T21:26:00.000-07:00

Recoup and Renew
I just got back from a lovely bbq with burgers, tanning, and four-square galore. I feel much refreshed after this vacation weekend. All I have left is one 5-page paper and my thesis defense, both to be completed this Thurs. Then, except for thesis revisions (of which there will be few), my college career is over. No finals and no pomp & circumstance until graduation.

If you sponsored Tanuki or ordered a copy of the magazine, you should be receiving it in the mail by the end of this week. For the rest of you, I've uploaded a copy of the final version as a PDF. You can read it cover-to-cover and get an idea of what it looks like printed out. If you want to print your own copy, contact me and I'll get you a copy with the proper page order for printing.

Enjoy!

2005-05-22T16:40:00.000-07:00

STRETCH
The magazines are here! If you ordered one, I will send it to you shortly. I have few complaints, which means that it looks great, because I'm a complete perfectionist.

I'm just now putting the final touches on my 40-page thesis paper. I'll put up a PFD of the final magazine a little later this week when the madness subsides.

2005-05-20T19:09:00.000-07:00

VOTE!
Hey evvabody! I'm entering some crrrrazy photo contest on the Internet and I need your help to decide which THREE pictures to submit under the theme "Unseen Japan." Your interpretations of that are as good as mine, which is why I set up a gallery where you can vote on which pictures you think I should submit! Please pick "YES" for your top three favorites and "MAYBE" for any others you like. And feel free to suggest images I don't have listed in the gallery.

2005-05-19T13:39:00.000-07:00

minority issues, major idiocy
I just passed by the ampitheatre of the student union and saw some sort of mini-rally, so I poked my head in. A group of minority students were awarding what appeared to be called "Zero Awards" to University departments. Looked juicy. What could it mean? Zero tolerance for racism? That'd be a plus. Zero diversity? That'd be a minus.

It turned out to be the latter, and just as I arrived they were awarding their second to last award to the Department of Geography. Then they awarded their top "Zero Award" to the Department of Geological Sciences. I was nonplussed.

All these shennanigans were started by some pissed off minority students in the Colleget of Education who felt that the CoE's policies didn't foster diversity. They seemed to have forgotten two important issues. First, that that CoE doesn't make it's own policies and so picking on CoE administrators does little more than incite a riot. The CoE is a subsidiary of the UO like any other department and follows administrative policies from the higher-ups. Apparently today's rally is part of an attempt to widen their scope. Or something.

Let's get PISSED OFF!

The second issue, and the one that irks me the most, is that these students are going around and labeling the university "racist" for a lack of diversity in some areas. Excuse me? A lack of diversity DOES NOT EQUAL RACISM. It can be a SYMPTOM of racism but it does NOT equal it.

I'm getting peeved at all the stupid people carrying around signs that say "Stop Racism in the XXX" when they mean "Increase Diversity in the XXX." It's sensationalist assholery and it will get them attention but WON'T get them what they want.

Furthermore, picking on departments like Geography and Geology is ridiculous. So WHAT if they don't have any professors of color? I'm sure it wasn't intentional! By nature, these small, specialized departments are MUCH LESS LIKELY to have professors of color than large departments like English and Journalism.

Minorities are given the term "minorities" for a statistical reason: there are fewer of their race, per capita, than other races. That means that there are likely to be fewer black or hispanic geologists than white geologists... but says nothing about the likelihood of the UO excluding people of color from its geology department. The geology department does, however, include one male-to-female transexual. I think that's pretty goddamn expressive of diversity and tolerance.

It's ludicrious to expect, too, that the University make some policy about hiring a certain percentage of staff and faculty from minority groups. The University should hire the most qualified professionals from a pool of applicants, not excluding minorities. But I wouldn't want to see an unqualified candidate given unfair treatment because he fit the bill for increasing diversity!

Yes, these student-advocates are making a valid point about a lack of diversity in general. But there's no sense throwing around racist accusations where there's no fault, or using numbers to tell lies about the University's diversity policies.

2005-05-18T17:20:00.000-07:00

Fuck off
Worst. Day. Ever.

Can't sleep.

Can't climb.

Can't even fucking GIVE BLOOD.

I hate myself and I want to die. I'm entirely sick of everything. I don't even feel human anymore and I'm teetering on the verge of nervous collapse.

A big, fat FUCK YOU to the world.

The worlds tiniest violin plays just for me, don't I feel SPESHUL.

God damnit, I hate everything. Next thing/person to piss me off gets punched in the eye.

2005-05-15T01:34:00.000-07:00

hott
Sometimes I forget what it's like to feel sexy. It's a state of mind I take for granted, with love and affection so easily accessible. It's not a frame of reference I can easily access when I jump from work to "play" in the course of an hour on a Friday afternoon. Everything is so on-and-off with long distance (no matter HOW good it is) that personal maintenance is something to which I give little consideration.

For better or for worse, though, when I get a few beers in me, I start to remember. *laughs* And then all hell breaks loose inside my head for a few hours, I sleep it off, and the next day it's back to my most un-glamorous grind.

C'est la vie, I suppose.

There's a party raging in the D and it's time for me to crash, so I'd best put in the earplugs and hit the sack. G'night.

2005-05-12T19:21:00.000-07:00

tick tick tick
One month till I graduate.

Funny, doesn't feel like it.

2005-05-09T20:05:00.000-07:00

do I?
A question that comes to my mind from time to time (often when I'm listening to trance while in the middle of a 3-mile run in the rain like today) is "do I really need to be in control, all of the time?"

The answer is yes. Yes I do.

I also fully realize that what I experience is only an illusion of control. And that the universe could ultimately fuck me over at any second.

And that is how I will utilize my compulsion to claw my way to the top and still remain standing when the illusion blows up in my face.

I'm sure it will fall apart someday. But for now, at least this moment inbetween beats on the track, I believe I'll be in control forever.

It's a natural high.

2005-05-08T22:40:00.000-07:00

wrap it up
The thesis paper is in process. I'm probably about 1/4 of the way done, but so far have only covered the peripheral material upon which the main core of the proposal will be based. Of course, I spent most of this past week in a state of intellectual and emotional crisis after expending every last bit of creative juice to get the 'zine to the printers. Seems that every time I THOUGHT it was done, something ELSE would come up... again... and again. I shudder to relive the memory.

In any case, it's gone and done. I ought to get the proofs in the mail tomorrow, in time to make another thorough reading of the text and a few changes to graphics and images. I have four very generous donors to thank for sponsoring the project whose names are already in the credits, but if you still want a copy, it's not too late! You have until Tuesday to request one with your name in it. After then, I can still take orders but can't guarantee that you'll be mentioned in the "Special Thanks" section.

I took a look at the "packaged" thesis of another HC member who made a magazine last year. His was around 38 pages, appendix included. But that's 38 pages of which 90% are double-spaced and 100% have 1 1/2" left-hand margins and 1" margins on all other sides. Woo! I think it will be easy to write now that I have an example in addition to my own work on which I can base my analysis.

I probably have more to write about than this other guy-- or at least different things. His approache may have been more sane, but only slightly. He had a student "staff" to help with writing and photography, which means that he didn't put in as much work on content. He focused on design, and then on marketing and producing the publication as a "real" free 'zine. It was even more expensive for him, and he had to gather funds from benefits, advertisers, and donations. So his overall experience and direction were different than mine. I get to talk about the creative process, writing, style, design, publication, whatever I want.

I think it should be simple to keep on track once I get going. Justin was here this weekend, and though he posed an impediment to work, he gave me a much-needed couple days of blissful relaxation. And some bite marks, but that's beside the point.

I'm in the home-stretch now, getting down to all the mindless formalities, starting with mailing graduation announcements to friends and family and then attending the HC graduation dinner/ dance on Tuesday night. How can I say no to free food and wine?

Well, I refuse to stay up to 2a.m. ANY nights this week, so I'm off to bed.

2005-05-05T09:59:00.000-07:00

So THIS is what it feels like to be a college student

Number of times awake till 2 a.m. this week: 4
Number of times awake till 2 a.m. in the past six months: 3

Number of Red Bull energy drinks consumed this week: 3
Number of Red Bull energy drinks consumed in the past six months: 0

Number of naps taken this week: 2
Number of naps taken in the past six months: 0

Number of classes skipped this week: 3
Number of classes skipped in the past 6 months: 2

I rule.

2005-05-04T20:43:00.000-07:00

Good karma
With all the expenses of graduation and regalia, I only ordered five formal announcements as keepsakes for me, my parents, and my grandparents. They were expensive and unattractive, but still had the proper sense of formal officiality that one would want from a graduation announcement. They charged me when I made the purchase- something like $10 for five announcements and $8 for shipping. (Ouch.) I put a stop on the order until I found out if I was to receive Latin Honors (which I did, Magna Cum Laude) and then sent the order through. It arrived today.

I was right, they are too expensive and unattractive, not to mention poorly laid out and phrased. But.

They sent me twenty-five. I know they MEANT to send me five, because that's what I was charged for (and guaranteed no repeat charges last week when I forwarded the order). Not to mention that there are only ten envelopes, and they send double your order in case you mess up.

And I'd already designed, laid out, and bought the printing supplies for my own... sah... well... whatyagonna do? (Save myself the freakin' effort and use the supplies for something else?)

I suppose I ought to mention that twenty-five announcements costs $47.50. Ha ha ha! Suckaz!

2005-05-03T23:41:00.000-07:00

You WILL sub-MIT!
Ha-HA! I'm DONE with the magazine! I wish I could say it feels good, but the truth is that the end crunch was a killer, I didn't finish as soon as I'd hoped, and there's still a lot of work to be done. It's sort of a letdown, really. But it will be really freakin' nice not to have to do any more layout. UGH. It's the anal-retentive's nightmare.

I should get a proof from the printer's in a few days, hopefully with few mistakes. In the meanwhile, I've uploaded low-resolution version of the final design. It has one glitch in it on page 10 of the PDF (p. 18 of the mag) that I can't seem to iron out. But it's only a PDF-rendering glitch, because none of the InDesign prints show it. *shrug*

Oh, and I'm still accepting donations, if you're interested. I can make addendums to the "Special Thanks" section until I approve the proofs. After that, you can still purchase a copy to help support the project, or if you're poor like me, just enjoy the PDF below.

[ Tanuki Magazine (2.1 MB) ]

2005-04-30T21:28:00.000-07:00

Want a piece?
I'm rollin' on the layout. Just the cover left to design, with a lovely illustration courtesy of Stephanie "Chibi" Bajema. Then all I have to do is format the 'zine before I send it to press on Monday or Tuesday.

Would you like a copy of the magazine? If so, please consider a donation to help sponsor its creation. Printing is a PRICEY process, especially because I'm doing such a small run. Unfortunately, I can't afford the volume required to knock down prices per each book, and because I'm doing full color, full bleed printing, this makes it veeerrrrry expensive. It's costing me $400 for 30 copies, to be precise. And that's CHEAP compared to Kinkos or University printing. The Honors College will reimburse me some, hopefully half, but I'm still deep in the hole.

If you would like to help subsidize the project, any contribution will be appreciated. However, a $25 donation will get you your own paper copy, plus special thanks on the pg. 2 masthead. I will even autograph it myself. ^_~ Just click the happy button below and PayPal will collect your change. ^_^ Shipping details can be worked out via email and estimated date of receipt should be early june.

IT WORKS NOW!

2005-04-30T09:46:00.000-07:00

the old woman in the shrine
There's something that stirs my memory now and then, a snapshot of a mysteriously sacred old woman living inside a tiny shrine on a weathered hillside in the mountains of Wakayama Prefecture. I want to say the image is true, but since I have no photograph to back it up, I can't be sure. Why I have no photograph, I also don't know. I'm positive I had my camera with me, but that Alex and I were trying to conserve digital memory since I hadn't been smart enough to bring my laptop along on our Kansai trip.

It was our first, last, and only morning on Mount Koya, a spiritual pilgrimage site in the Japanese wilderness. We had already packed our things and were to leave the temple-inn we stayed at in a few hours to catch a train to Osaka. But we hadn't yet seen the main head temple of the Shingon Buddhist sect or the central complex of the mountain. We meandered through those, taking some of the pictures you can see in my photo-essay layout. Then we headed through town to the edge of the mountain, overlooking the valley below, where the original entryway to Mount Koya, a great black gate, stands. It was impressively large, but either the light was bad or my camera batteries were low, because I don't have any pictures of it either.

On the way in (out?) of the gate, we saw a small shrine perched on the steep hillside with a sign pointing toward it. Shrines that small don't usually merit signs because they all pretty much honor the same local or national spirits, so that was enough to spark my interest.

If memory serves me correctly, when we reached the top of the knoll, we found that it was a shrine to love. And it had some unusual ritual prayer/purification that involved incense, or maybe lighting candles. There was SOMETHING inside the small shack-like building that merited specific interest, were it effigies or something similar, created by visitors to the shrine to mark their passing.

But oddest of all was the old woman in the corner. We had stood at the entryway of the shrine while a couple inside prayed, and then turned as if to leave. But instead of leaving, they began to talk to someone. We hesitated at first, unsure if we could proceed to the tiny altar or should wait till they were finished. In the end we went inside, and that's when we saw her. Gnarled and shakey, the tiny woman must have been at least 90 years old. She sat behind a table in the incense-filled room and made-- what was it?-- I can't remember, something that had to do with the shrine. But she made it with her bare hands.

I thought, how endearing, that a local woman has such loyalty to this shrine. But as I listened to their conversation I began to realize that she didn't just work here, she lived here, and had for at least twenty years. In particular, the couple referenced one winter when the snows had been so high that no one could come to the shrine to check on "grandma," as they called her. Some of the villagers had been sure she was dead. Yet when the weather cleared, there she was, right as roses. Sure enough, "grandma" smiled a near-toothless grin at the mention of her notoriety and pointed at a new clipping behind her head that detailed the story.

This woman was a gem, a classic Japanese folk-story right in front of us. I didn't talk with her-- though I'm sure we greeted her-- because her Japanese was so terribly difficult to understand. I was petrified of offending her. I couldn't bring myself to ask to take a picture of her, though in retrospect I regret it. In truth, I think I may have dreamed the whole thing, but that may be true of my whole trip to Japan-- a collective hallucination as a search for meaning in confusion.

I think Alex can back me up on this one, or maybe fill in the blanks. This old woman has been in my thoughts lately, for whatever reason, and it's time I gave her due credit for sparking my imagination. Thanks, obaasan. I hope you're doing well.

2005-04-28T22:58:00.000-07:00

proof pudding
Four pages of layout to go and the magazine is done. I am, unfortunately, two pages behind schedule, but that's not a big deal. I think I might just work without sleep the next three days to get it all done. In case you're wondering what it all looks like, and are up for some visual and grammatical proofing, I've uploaded PDFs of the working layouts to the site. Check them out here!

2005-04-28T15:49:00.000-07:00

regalia queen
My plain black cap-and-gown has gone from funeral wear to a clown suit. Here's what all I'll have on me:

2 graduation tassles:
[1 maroon, School of Jouralism and Communication]
[1 white, Arts & Sciences (Japanese)]

3 honors cords:
[1 silver, magna cum laude]
[1 blue, Robert D. Clark Honors College]
[1 green, departmental honors, Japanese]

1 special sash, blue, Robert D. Clark Honors College

Will I look ridiculous? Yes. Will it be ridiculously AWESOME? Heck yea!

Oui, oui, I am excited.

2005-04-27T13:31:00.000-07:00

With Great Honor
Guess who just found out she's graduating Magna Cum Laude? That's right, bitches, it's ME! BOO-YEAH!! I *would* have liked summa, and got my hopes up after reading the static cutoffs for some private universities online. The UO does percentile but my guess was that it would be lower than the 3.7-3.9GPAs I saw online for Summa... except Cornell, which was 4.0. Buuuut... the UO also gives out A+'es, so as it turns out the cutoff for the top 2% (summa cum laude) is 4.02-4.22GPA. Derr. Guess my "measly" 3.95 will have to fit me into the 5% (3.92-4.02) for magna cum laude. (Total sarcasm here folks, I actually find the cutoffs quite amusing.) Anyway, I'm off to buy myself some freakin' honors cords. Ha!

2005-04-22T14:44:00.000-07:00

Ode to an Era

Now, I didn't live through the 1970s, but Television has taught me a great deal about that lovely era of disco and paisley. I'm beginning to think the Internet might have taught me even more. If you've ever thought about the '70s, whether you're a whippersnapper like me, or lived through themselves but were in too much of a drug-induced haze to actually REMEMBER anything, you might have wondered, "What did they live like back then? What did they do? What did they eat?"

Well, here's the answer to at least one of those questions. Some 1970's Weight Watcher's recipe cards. An Internet classic fore sure. One that's been around for years (I've seen it before) but worth a revisit. It's definitely worth a look if you've never seen it. Priceless, in fact, if just because the commentary on the recipe cards is so hilariously well-written. The "reviewer" must have spent as much time tearing apart those cards as Weight Watchers did putting them together.

And that, my friends, is what I think of when I think of 1974.

I should also mention that every time a UO tour group walks by full of newly admitted students, I want to scream out my office window "NOOOOOO, STAY bACK! DON'T DO IT!!! GAAAAAHHHH!" Not because I'm serious (well, mostly), but because I think it'd be funny to see the looks on their already fear-filled faces. They try to hide behind a mask of boredom and indifference, but no, I see dread and anticipation in those eyes. Turn back, little goslings, turn back!!!!

2005-04-19T10:00:00.000-07:00

100,000 hits
I broke the big hundred thousand this morning. At some point long ago, this would have made me ecstatic. Now, um, I guess it's kind of cool, but I'm smart enough to know that most of those hits come from waylaid Googlers looking for Schoolgirl porn.

I believe I'll close this blog after I graduate. I won't be a student any more, nor as much of a sophist, having laid aside my books and beer goggles for, well, other things. Schoolgirl Sophistry has suffered since I came back from Japan and made the realization that my daily life in the states just isn't that interesting. Unless I'm hanging out with the Seattle Kinksters or doing something non school related, which is once in a blue moon. Even International Politics are somewhat dull viewed through the scope of the American megolith. I'd much rather write from overseas and so, in the end, perhaps that's where I'll return.

That's not to say I haven't spent a good deal of time being introspective, but I'm mostly doing it at yoga class and in the middle of the night when I'm having anxiety attacks about unnamed phantoms and unable to sleep. Yeah.

So I expect this blog to hang around till, oh, July, when the lease expires. And then I'll move on to other things. Perhaps start an anonymous Seattle-based blog about my new adventures. Perhaps not. When the next new-wave of Internet Communication comes around, it's more likely my interest will be piqued. But this blog, quite satisfyingly, HAS lived to be more than three years old. I'll let it run a little bit longer.

2005-04-18T21:53:00.000-07:00

Got that itch
Rachel and I went to the ballet Saturday night with the free tickets I earned for modeling in the fundraising fashion show. We got to sit in the Orchestra section, front and center, $42 tickets I could never afford. The show was beautiful and would have been perfect but there was this woman... across the aisle... who was flicking her pen light... on and off... while she scribbled on a pad of paper. It looked like she was writing a bloody novel instead of watching the show, and as she was seated directly in our peripheral vision, it was damn obnoxious. After sitting through it during the two dances before Intermission, I decided to confront her. As soon as Intermission started, I walked over and said I was sorry to bother her but would she please not use her pen light during the next act.

She looked at me, shocked like I was asking, and told me that she was writing a review. Well, I admit I felt sheepish for not having considered that, but I didn't think I was any more in the wrong. In fact, it only made me angrier that she would consider it her right as a journalist to disturb the experience of other patrons. Not to mention that she seemed to be spending more time looking at what she was writing than the show itself. My take on reviews has always been to gather minimal notes when necessary but overall to treat the experience like a normal "customer" and base my opinion on THAT. So I had a little rant at Rachel, but as it turns out the woman decided she didn't need her little light after all and stopped flashing us the second act.

Afterwards, when we were cooled down, I thanked her for her consideration and she apologized for forgetting that she doesn't need to use it so much. A learning experience, I guess.

Yesterday I spent all day bushwhacking on Mount Pisgah for the Wilderness Survival orienteering outing... waist deep in poison oak. YUM. I'm hoping that I'm immune, but I have a bad feeling about some of my rough skin. I did manage to hose off my boots, strip down my laundry and pack and get everything in the wash before I showered. I even scrubbed with TechNu, a soap that dissolves the oils. My carpool buddy and I picked it up at REI on the way home after hearing several recommendations. EUGH. Just thinking about that shit makes me itch.

Today it's back to the grind, all work and no play. I've been meeting my quote of 8 pages layout a week, but I still feel totally unprepared. I guess that's pretty normal.

2005-04-17T20:53:00.000-07:00

ZOMBIES
An entertaining quiz...How long would you survive if life were a zombie flick?

Rest in peace
You scored 89% health, 84% psychology, 58% survival, and 50% organization.

Congratulations. Your years of self-improvement and discipline have
paid off. You are truly a whole individual, both in mind and body.
Unfortunately, your complete ignorance of any practical skills means
that you get eaten by zombies. Sorry.
Estimated Survival TIme: two days

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 70% on health
You scored higher than 81% on psychology
You scored higher than 28% on survival
You scored higher than 14% on organization

Link: The Comprehensive Zombie Survival Test written by marbledog on Ok Cupid

2005-04-15T23:53:00.000-07:00

This is it?

[ Click for large version ]

Justin sent me to this comic, which does in many ways resemble my impressions of Japan. I've also been give links to a lot of "weird animal" stories lately, including one about a Wolphin and another about a Toxic Superfund Dog.

2005-04-12T16:29:00.000-07:00

A-OK
I can graduate! *Napoleon Dynamite-style "YESSSSSSSSSSS!"*
Turns out I was, as expected, being completely paranoid and I DO have all my required classes, IP multicultural requirement, science/ math, and HC colloquia all included. And I think I've just successfully set up my thesis defense date for June 2nd. Mission accomplished. Wewt.

2005-04-10T20:12:00.000-07:00

tit and tat

My good friend Monk was featured in a recent Savage Love. That is awesome. Go read it!

Not so awesome is finding out that after five years and 280 credits, some of which are used by neither major, nor the Honors College, that one multicultural credit will keep you from graduating. And it's not for a lack of classes that are multicultural, mind you, I have LOTS of those. Pick and choose... religions, history, documentary, theatre, even linguistics... it's because none of those *particular* classes have been approved by the university as a *particular* requirement. Unless living a year in a foreign country counts for something (which, really, you'd think it would) I just might be FUCKED.

I can probably sort it all out. I hope.

I apologize for my long absences... between the fashion show prep, thesis work, blogger copping out on me REPEATEDLY when I try to ~~pose~~ post (returns "document contains no data" error) and other things, it just hasn't happened.

I just had a great weekend with my boy though. We ate at Soriah for our 5 year anniversary dinner. It's a nice place, only 3 blocks from here, and it's sad we don't go more often.

Also watched I <3 Huckabees, which may be my new most favorite movie EVER. And Friday had my cut/color at London Hair, so now I look all coiffed and spiffy. I just have to play dress up till Weds and then I can go back to being all slackerish again.

2005-04-06T23:33:00.000-07:00

hump day
Hooray for $2.50 margarita's with the fashion show coordinators after training and rehearsal. Also for making ""contacts"" and other shit like that. I didn't get much progress on the mag. design tonight, but I'm 6 pages in to my 8 page goal and wasn't planning doing much more anyway. After weight lifting, running three 1/2 mile splits, 20 minutes on the stairclimber, an hour and a half of rock climbing, and strutting a 50-foot runway a gazillion times (all on 5 hours or less of rest!) my 2 drink nightcap has put me right to bed. Sleep sounds GREAT. *zonk*

2005-04-05T23:10:00.000-07:00

vacuous space
Things are moving along, slowly but steadily. Today I dropped just short of seventy dollars for my graduation regalia, minus whatever honors cords I need, since the University can't yet estimate GPAs for Latin Honors. I'm crossing my fingers. There are four (FOUR!) ceremonies I can attend, but I have a feeling I'll only go to three of them since the Honors College's is the day before and I really have no affinity for the foriegn language ceremony.

I also picked up five official invitations. That's it, five. One for me, one for the parents, a couple for the grandparents and one for... whatever. They won't extort anything for more out of me. I didn't learn InDesign for nothing-- I'll make my own.

This week I started landscaping the triplex, puttering around with the tools my landlord paid for and trying to get the lawnmower to work. The beast of a machine refused to start yesterday, no matter what my fix-it friends did to help. Today I backed it up a step and dumped out the yellowing fuel to replace it with some high-octane gasoline. Started on the first try.

I love gardening. Not the actual act, because I'm usually getting a crick somewhere in my back while in-process, but I do love being reminded of the smell of dirt. This term I've got Tuesday and Thursday mornings off till noon, so I can take my time and poke around in the yard those mornings if I like.

Today I had my consultation with London Hair about getting my 'do styled for the fashion show. I go in for my cut and color on Friday, and they'll be coiffing me next Wednesday before the show, too. Tomorrow it's back to Studio One in the Hult Center for "professional runway training" and rehearsal. I feel like I ought to be nervous but I'm really not. I don't have anything riding on this. But there's still the vague unease that someone will call me out as an imposter.

I've been focusing all my energy on my thesis design. Eight pages a week, more if I can manage it. I started yesterday and I'm down four of the six-page photo-essay. Design takes a lot of time but really a lot less thought than writing. It's all visual intuition, and that's something I can very easily get caught up in (just take a look at my photo pages). This weekend I'll start putting in a few hours on the marketing proposal and see if the whole thing starts to fall together before I have a panic attack.

2005-04-03T00:22:00.000-08:00

katwalk
Well, spank my ass and call me Sally. Apparently I AM enough to impress the judges.

My friend(?) Cole called me randomly last Tuesday to share the news that the Eugene Ballet Company is hosting a fashion show/fundraiser party and had scheduled a Saturday audition for models. As usual, I stored the tidbit in the back of my mind and didn't think much of it till I saw Cole at the gym on Friday. On a whim, I gave the EBC a call, found out I needed ten bucks (railroading models is a favorite scheme) and a casual photo to audition, but no portfolio or resume.

Last night, I printed this photo out before going to see Sin City and this morning threw on some clothes and makeup after four hours restless sleep (for other reasons) to bike to the Hult center for the open call. Silly me, I'm such an amateur that I didn't realize an "open call" meant "come any time during the scheduled duration," not "be there from 9 to 12." I was in and out in fifteen minutes and found myself sitting at home at 9:30AM on a Saturday morning, fully awake and showered with not a clue what to do.

The audition consisted of me blindly stumbling into line with fifty or so high school girls who had been escorted by their mothers. I think I was the only one who wasn't in dress heels (I wore heeled leather boots, a sweater and jeans) and I'm certain I'm the only one who biked to the audition. I filled out a form with my name, phone number, height, dress/suit size, address, and past experience. For past experience (where/what) I wrote "Japan, minor fashion show, bank merchandise catalogue." I don't know why I felt the need to write "Japan" because I didn't do any REAL modeling to speak of when I lived there, but I do credit myself with the experience of registering with an agency and auditioning, even if I wasn't paid for anything. Saying I modeled in Japan just sounds so... prestigious.

Anyways, what happened next took all of seven minutes. One to hand my $10 check to the cashier while she checked that I had a photo in order, five to stand in line, thirty seconds to talk to the judges, fifteen seconds to walk and fifteen to say goodbye. Apparently "Japan" did sound prestigious because one judge asked me about it and all I could think to stumblingly reply was "it was really minor." I think she still assumes I was sent over there rather than that I studied there and attempted modeling to eke out a living. Oh well.

I saw that everyone else had done the same lame down and back walk with a rare bout of flair, so I slung my coat over my shoulder and postured a bit, praying that I didn't look like an idiot. Afterwards, of course, I thought I did, and picked apart everything I'd said even though I knew I'd be doing that no matter what my responses had been. The fact is, even though I vested no real energy, self worth, time, or money into the event, I had thought it would be fun, and spent the better part of the morning preparing myself to be disappointed. The follow-up session for selectees is on Wednesday the 6th, so at least I knew I'd find out soon.

They called me at 8:30PM to tell me they wanted me. Me! For a fashion show! I keep thinking I'm the exception to the rule and that I'll stand out as the 22-year-old "all sizes" model among 35 of those underage waifs, or that I'll show up on Wednesday and get a look like "what are YOU doing here?" Regardless of what I look like, I honestly think I've never FELT enough like any kind of model to BE one. Now that I have the chance, I feel like I'm about to be found out for an impostor.

But I'm also really, REALLY excited. It'll be so much FUN to be primped and pampered and strut like a sexy lady. 'Twill add to my stress level for the next two weeks, as the show is on the 13th, but whatever. The less seriously I take it, the better I'll look.

First things first. I get a free cut and color from London Hair, a chintzy salon. Then I get fitted for clothes from Prose Dress, a boutique that sells high-end New York fashion and is conveniently located about 6 blocks from my house. Wednesday, I go back to Studio One at the Hult Center for "professional" training, then I walk on the 13th. I have a feeling there's more involved than that but the only other detail I have on record at the moment is that I get free ballet tickets-- for the upcoming show or for the season I'm not sure. Either way, hurrah!

I also don't know if I get to keep the clothing, should it be tailored to me. That would be FAN-tastic, but I don't expect it. I will be needing a pant suit or two soon for interviews and a "real" job, and I ought to look swank for Justin's grandpa's 90th b-day at the Four Seasons in Jackson Hole at the end of June... but pish posh, I'm sure something will come my way.

And that's a wrap for the time being. I promise I won't come out a redheaded waif, just maybe slightly more primped and princessy. Tickets to the "Cocktails and Coiture" fashion show are $25 or $35 runway-side-- Wednesday April 13th, "entertainment" included, cocktails probably not.

I just... can't believe it. *headdesk*

2005-03-30T19:50:00.003-08:00

Mm-mmmh Good
I realized today that the things I enjoy most in life truly are "simple" things. Things like cooking, working out, reading, knitting, running small errands require me to focus only on one thing: the task at hand. I'm finding it more and more frustrating to work on projects and assignments that are supposed to tie sweeping concepts, anecdotes, and facts together into a polished product. I simply cannot wrap my mind around them. Not for a lack of an attention span but because I get too caught up in what the end result is "supposed" to be to devote my full attention to any one of the pieces. Grrh.

I just spent almost the whole entirety of this afternoon making and eating a huge batch of Japanese curry, slow-cooking the vegetables and thickening the sauce. Then I sat and ate it lazily, watching Newlyweds and cursing that I wasn't born rich. I do like making things, taking raw materials and infusing them with ideas until I can savor the finished product. The problem is that it's too difficult sometimes to apply that theory to what's required of me rather than what's voluntary.

2005-03-29T10:35:00.000-08:00

Rain & Shine

[ Photos: Spring Break @ Rockaway Beach ]

We left late on Thursday night for the coast, where we had mixed weather, as expected, and, also as expected, drank and ate ourselves into a stupor. Had a good time with board games, wine, cheese, and the beach. Later the next week I shipped off to Seattle for Easter with my family and Justin's family. Now it's back to the grind, with only one academic class and nothing to do till noon on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. *yawn* If only I could get my ass in gear and finish my final feature story for the thesis...

2005-03-17T20:33:00.001-08:00

the drinkingest day ever

Happy St. Patty's Day! May all your friends mummify you in toilet paper.
And to all I know at the UO, have a great Spring Break-- I'm outta here...
gone from blogland till at least Wednesday. Ciao!

2005-03-16T14:00:00.001-08:00

さくら

[ We're having an early spring, so it's time for hanami pics! ]

2005-03-15T11:26:00.000-08:00

From the mouths of demons
Well, well, well. It looks like even the AOL-Time Warner Megacorp has a heart. They've reworded their TOS after the controversy.

2005-03-14T19:30:00.000-08:00

Tough as Nails
Got me a manicure AND a pedicure today. Hot stuff. Other than that, much the same as usual-- spending time on the thesis and at the gym. Whatever makes me feel good. Looks like I might pick up landscaping duties for my triplex in exchange for a $30/ month discount on rent. That suits me fine, as I like playing in the dirt and our yard is about the size of a postage stamp. Now that the landlord has an electric mower in lieu of the push mower that nearly killed my roomie's boyfriend last year, I think I can handle it. Huttah, spare change.

2005-03-13T17:57:00.000-08:00

Jerks Jerking Off
Jesus Christ. What'll happen next? As if AOL-Time Warner didn't own ENOUGH of the universe, now AOL Instant Messanger (AIM) includes in its terms of service exclusive rights to reproduce and manipulate ANY content distributed across its networks. That's right, Corporate jerks are jerking off in their offices right now reading logs of all you n00bs' cyber-sex encounters. Hello, privacy? Copyright infringement? Common decency? Where are you?

2005-03-12T16:30:00.000-08:00

it's magnetic!

[ Seen in the parking lot of PC Market, one magnetic poetry car. ]

2005-03-11T12:24:00.000-08:00

The End
It's over. It's ooooo-vah. This term, my last Winter Term. My Japanese major, the last Japanese class I'll probably ever take. And wow, is it ever strange, and somehow very sad.

Now to take a much-deserved rest.

...

Just kidding. HAHAHAHAA. Had you there for a second, didn't I? I *meant,* "and now to do some much-needed work on my thesis. Right-o, back to it.

2005-03-10T13:49:00.000-08:00

stupid blood
I went back to the bloodmobile today to have my hemoglobin tested on the off chance that it would be high enough to donate. It was, a surprising 13.3 after yesterday’s 12.0. My iron supplements couldn’t have registered yet, so it must have been something silly like cold hands.

However, the blood lady hit a valve when she stuck the needle in my vein and my stupid blood was coming out too slowly for their tastes. After fishing around with for greater depth for a few minutes, which is entirely painless but really gross looking, she managed to contaminate my quarter-bag of blood with non-sterile air and had to axe the whole process.

Because I’d donated a quarter bag, they couldn’t try my other arm. And I’m still barred from donation for the traditional eight weeks. GOD DAMN IT.

So I ate a fucking cookie anyway. And now I’m going to cry.

I don’t know why I get so excited about donating blood and upset when I can’t. Nor do I care. I’ll just accept it as one of those strange facts of life.

2005-03-09T14:57:00.000-08:00

strange moments in time
I have a strange fixation with giving blood. I went to give today before class and sat next to this Jewish guy translating some holy hebrew text, who seemed as gung-ho about effortless altruism as I was. But the clock was ticking so I ended up ducking out before my evaluation and running to class.

It's a good thing I did, because class lasted all of five minutes before the prof handed out evaluations and left. And we had to turn in our final papers.

Then I headed back over to the bloodmobile, where I was seated next to a cute hulk of a boy who immediately saw that I'd been to Japan on my sheet (and consequently probably also saw that I'm taking birth control pills) and started to chat with me about it. He'd live in Japan for three months doing Camp Adventure in Okinawa and Yokohama. We geeked out about Tokyo for a few minutes, and the Japanese language, before it came out somehow that he was from Seattle. So am I... my family's lived on the East Side for several years now. No kidding, he says. He grew up in Factoria. Went to my high school. Graduated in my class. And I have no idea who he is.

His jaw dropped when I told him I went to Newport. He obviously had no idea who I was either, but suddenly seemed a whole lot more interested. He asked me who my friends were and I sheepishly had to admit that in the two years I was there (junior, senior), I trolled some friends but never made any good ones. And I *can't* remember names, except that of one girl in the grade above me. When he tells me his name, I recognize it instantly. He was one of those popular kids. But there's no connotation to it. What kind of person was he? I can't remember. He named some names of his friends and they all register much the same.

At that point he was called in to have his iron count evaluated, and I mulled over what had just happened. Newport had some nice popular people and some asshat-ish ones. I'm not sure who Eric Butterfield hung out with, but it's certain that he wouldn't have given me the time of day six years ago. Strange how things change.

High school owes me some reparations for kicking my ass six ways to Sunday. It was nice to meet someone who didn't dredge up disappointing memories but instead confirmed my hopes that Bellevue can indeed produce people interested in more than their own material wellfare.

I didn't even end up giving blood. My iron count was too low (shock, surprise, I'm on my period). As I walked out I gave a nod to Eric, thinking I'd just call it good at that and not risk bringing up my awkward in-between years. But he wanted my number, so we might meet the last weekend of break when I'm in Seattle. Serendipity is a powerful thing. Either that, or I've just gotten a whole lot better looking.

2005-03-08T15:35:00.000-08:00

Dead
It's Dead Week, so that means I'm down for the count. I ticked one final presentation off my list today, which means all that I have left (sarcasm) is a feature story tomorrow, another final presentation Thursday, and a final paper on Friday. Yippee. See you when it's all over.

2005-03-05T21:25:00.000-08:00

Losing Hatoon: Part II

[ Photos of Hatoon's shrine and memorial ]

We went wearing black, but only enough that our sneakers and jeans wouldn't be conspicuous. This is Eugene, after all, and though my roommate and I were attending the memorial of a campus "legend," we knew she wasn't the type who would request or require formality. In tribute to Hatoon, who always had her lips on, I wore the brightest, reddest lipstick I own. On the way out the door, I grabbed a the funny peach rose I'd picked up the other day.

I wanted to feel something, sadness perhaps, or mourning, but instead I felt the same as I'd felt all week... numb, confused, and preoccupied by the death of this woman who I only knew in passing and whose presence was no more than a ghost in my life. I think I'm still struggling to find meaning in Hatoon's death; something apart from my guilt for never having spoken to her.

And I do wish I hadn't just passed her by. From the stories I heard today, mostly told by aging hippies who knew her in the 60's, 70's and 80's, when she was still partially lucid, I could have learned a lot from Hatoon. Hatoon helped even the younger generation find themselves. And that was what she wanted, wasn't it? A girl from Blue Heron Bicycles spoke, shuddering from nerves and grief, to a crowd somehow both bigger and smaller than I expected. She, among others, told us about Hatoon's "research," her paranoid project to protect the children of the world and cure all diseases so that only perfect babies would be born and people could live together.

Hatoon's biggest obstacle was her own pain, not her mental illness or her homelessness. From what I understand, she chose to live outside the bookstore, and in return was embraced by members of the University community in times of need. And she was "crazy," but mostly in a joyous way. Hatoon had the kind of insanity that one gets from stepping too close to the fire and falling in. The kind that makes you wonder who's really insane... the "crazy" one or society.

No one confirmed Hatoon's diagnosis as schizophrenia, MPD, drugs, or a combination of the three. People mostly shared stories and tried to ignore the vulgar shouts of another girl (the one I mentioned in the previous entrie's comments) teetering similarly on the verge of social instability. (Also not sure what this girl's deal is, but she does have a problem.) There was a lot of laughter and a few tears on a beautiful day that would have made Hatoon happy.

But perhaps she was there.

As the ceremony opened, from nowhere, a brown and white speckled hawk swooped overhead, fifteen feet above the audience, to settle in the branches of a large oak tree. After looking on from above, it disappeared, only to return exactly as the ceremony was closing, again circling overhead unusually close and again settling in the same tree. The gasps were audible; some people pointed, others burst into tears. I stood still, transfixed, with goosebumps rising on my skin. It was perhaps the most auspicious thing I have ever seen.

2005-03-04T11:14:00.000-08:00

The Big Project: Tanuki Magazine
Here's the moment you've all been waiting for. (Riiight.) I'm gonna stop being all secretive and reveal all the exact details of my grueling Honors Thesis. That way, when I complain, as I plan to do a lot, you'll know exactly what I'm whining about.

The gist of it is that I'm designing a magazine from the ground up; content, design, marketing research, everything. I'll be presenting to my thesis committee the finished, printed, 32-page magazine (as a representative issue of a monthly publication), a marketing proposal, and a critical analysis of my own work.

Theme:
The magazine is an exploration of Japanese pop culture in America and Japan. It's a travel-oriented cultural magazine, designed to appeal to the same American youth demographic that loves anime and video games, but expanding on Asian culture outside that niche. The publication will be titled Tanuki after the animal, both real and mythological.

What is a Tanuki? Well, first read this if you don't know... but the basic summary is that Tanuki are shape changing tricksters who do what they have to do to survive. But they're not malicious, they're playful and creative. I'm using this character as a metaphor for Japanese pop culture and its evolution from the depths of tradition to modern innovation.

Content:
The magazine will be 32 pages long, in full color and with full bleed where applicable. I'm doing 95 percent of the writing myself, with several minor contributions from good friends. The design, with the exception of a comic and illustration, will also be my original creation. Most of the content is in some form of draft right now, with the exception of one feature, the editor's note, and blurbs for the Front of the Book. I'm dedicating Finals Week and Spring Break to finishing and editing the content. The first 5 weeks of next term will be dedicated to design and the last 4 to organizing written supplements (approx 30 pages) to the magazine.

Here's the run of the book so far:
([D] denotes reoccuring department, [F] denotes feature)

pg. 1: FRONT COVER
pg. 2: Editor's note: Introducing Tanuki, Masthead
pg. 3: Table of Contents
pg. 4-5: [D] Hajimemasho (Let's Get Started): Blurbs on Japanese culture at home and abroad
pg. 6: [D] Travel tips: Making the best of train tickets and packages
pg. 7-- [D] Language: Surviving in a train station
pg. 8-11: [F] Americanime- Japanese animation takes over American TV
pg. 12-15: [F] As Light as a Dragonfly- Profile of Michael Bell, an traditionally trained Japanese swordsmith in America
pg. 16-21: [F] Photo Essay: Mount Koya, One of Japan's primary Buddhist Pilgrimage Destinations
pg. 22-25: [F] Learning the Ropes- Adjusting to Student Life Abroad in Japan and America
pg. 26: [D] Fashion: Kanji T-shirts sold in American Stores
pg. 27: [D] How-to Corner: How to Pay Respects in a Shinto Shrine
pg. 28: [D] Reviews: Movie (Bashun), Book (Kafka by the Shore), CD (GLAY single)
pg. 29: [D] Food: Sushi in America + Supermarket Sushi review + Sushi recipe
pg: 30-31: [D] Literature Corner: Translation of Natsume Souseki's Ten Night's Dreams + Closing Comments and Comic
pg. 32: BACK COVER

I think that's enough info for a brief idea of what the features contain and what the departments are about. If you're curious about anything, leave a comment and I'll expand.

Supplemental Thesis Work:
In addition to the magazine, I'm producing a marketing proposal that will present the magazine as a hypothetically "real" publication and outline the demand for and target demographic of the magazine. In the marketing proposal, I will present the magazine's mission statement and outline what purpose each department will serve, as well as suggesting future content and proposing writers' guidelines.

Finally, I will submit a critical review of my publication, reflecting on the publishing process and contrasting my magazine with the success and failure of other similar publications on the market. I will explore and critique the techniques I used in the creation of the magazine.

And there you have it, both why I love my thesis project and why it's kicking my ass. My advisors seem to think I'm going above and beyond the call of duty on this project. But I really want to make this a complete package. Call me an over-achiever, but I prefer to do things well if I'm going to do them at all. ^_^

2005-03-03T11:35:00.000-08:00

from the weekend

Rachel and Micah's new Subaru is 1337.

So are we.

2005-03-02T10:00:00.000-08:00

Losing Hatoon
There was this crazy woman who lived outside the University of Oregon bookstore. She slept under the same blue tarps where she stored all her personal effects. No matter how hot or cold it was, she walked around campus wrapped in layer upon layer of clothing, scraps of cloth and scarves tied around her head like some sort of bizarre turban. Her name was Hatoon.

Hatoon died yesterday while bicycling across an intersection on Franklin against the light. (Read the Daily Emerald account.)

I never knew her personally, but I knew her much in the same way that everyone else did. I've the rumors about her—- that she is an ex-professor, that she was abandoned by her rich family—- but all I really know is that she has been a campus fixture since I came to the UO five years ago and that she has a serious mental disorder. I saw Hatoon almost every day... at the bookstore, in the library, and sometimes in the gym, where she walked on the treadmill without removing a single layer of her clothing cocoon. She was always chattering incessantly at herself or sometimes starting an incomprehensible conversation with an unfortunate student. It's true, she was pretty far gone, but she seemed physically healthy and happy for a 67-year-old homeless woman.

The real irony is that only now that she's dead will people start to realize her value and miss her company. It was a shock to me to bike by her "home" outside the bookstore today and see her possessions gone, and in their place a lonely sign announcing her death and several bouquets strapped to the tree that stood over her bed. I still can't believe she's really dead. It's as if Frog, or the Banjo Guy, or the Radical Wacko who sings Bob Dylan, or Jesus Man or his conservative friend with the dog had died. Wow...it's just... weird and sad.

She supposedly has a daughter (!) but the authorities are having a difficult time locating her or any other family members. If they can't contact anyone, the Bookstore has said that it will finance her funeral. My curiosity makes me feel rude, but I'm considering attending her memorial service just to learn who she really was. I feel like I owe her memory that much.

2005-03-01T16:27:00.000-08:00

academic dilemma
I had next term all planned out so that I was taking two courses, Advanced Japanese and Media Theory, as well as 6 thesis credits and one or two random PE classes as usual. I ended up signing up for 4 PE classes (Rock II, Wilderness Surival, Jog/Run, and Kundalini Yoga) without the intent of taking them all-- but I still want to.

Today I realized that I don't HAVE to take Advanced Japanese. I'm more than covered as far as language credits are concerned. I have my Japanese Major in my pocket. I don't NEED the class. So why should I take it? I can have more time to focus on my thesis and sleep, as well as the ability to fill up my schedule and credits with fun PE things.

What's the problem? Well, I'm an overachiever and the thought of missing an academic opportunity causes me to panic. I'm worried about my Japanese. This term I dropped the 4th year reading/writing class because it was stressful and the teacher was a bitch. Already my language skills have gone downhill, but with a full credit load this term and thesis work on my plate, I'm sure I saved my sanity.

I feel like this speaking/listening class helps me maintain my skills, but only minorly. I get good listening practice and a small amount of speaking practice. Most of the speaking work revolves around weekly news reports and media presentations twice per term-- things I dash off without great enthusiasm. As far as vocabulary and skit practice? Crammed into short term memory to suffer extinction a week later.

I'm worried about my Japanese. I know that after I graduate in the Spring, I won't be exposed to the language for at least three months, if not for an extended period of time. The thought of losing it completely upsets me, but I almost see it as inevitable. I don't feel like I get a huge benefit from this class, but I also feel guilty dropping it, like I'm "giving up" on my language major too soon.

Am I being anal retentive? What would you do?

2005-02-28T23:19:00.000-08:00

ski bums

After my first time skiing in three years and maybe fifth time downhill skiing ever, I have concluded that no, I really do not understand the sport. Perhaps it's that I didn't grow up with it, living in the flat plainland of central Michigan. In the midwest, lump-like hills are called "mountains," and the first time I ventured onto one with the intention of skiing down it, I ended up on a rescue toboggan for a twisted knee and my sorry ass was hauled to the emergency room. I think I ruined my best friend's 16th b-day ski getaway. So maybe I've never lived that trauma down, but something about hurtling down a mountain with two slick planks strapped to my immobilized ankles just... isn't appealing to me.

Nevertheless, I realize that I've only "just" learned to ski, and as a novice I can't pass up the chance to try once again to wrap my head around downhill winter sports. This time, Justin, Micah, Rachel, and I got a free ride (literally, yuk yuk) to Mount Hood Meadows thanks to the generosity of Rachel's mom, who volunteers on the slopes, and an old friend of Rachel's working in rentals.

The Northwest resorts have all been hurting for a lack of snow this season and many are closed. Mt. Hood Meadows, though open, didn't have much, as you can see from the background of the above photo. There was supposedly a 32-inch base at the bottom of the mountain, but we all agreed it was closer to five or less in places. The snow started out icy in places from the overnight freeze, but by noon most of the runs, except those at the top of the mountain, were slush.

Barring bad snow conditions, it was a beautiful day to ski. Justin "borrowed" (read: bought with the intention of returning) me some gear from REI, because I had absolutely nothing to wear, but it turned out that I could have skiied in rain pants and a windbreaker. It was so warm that Micah skiied all day in a long-sleeved shirt.

Because I'm a gimp on skis I stuck to green runs and probably considerably slowed the pace and enjoyment of everyone else... it's hard to improve much skiing for four hours once every few years. Nevertheless, I had a good time even after getting stranded on one definitely non-green route and spending the better part of an hour picking my way down the mountain.

I'm not a seasoned skiier, so I have none of the traditional gripes with snowboarders, but I must say this, as a faction generally representative of the counter-culture "up-yours," anti-establishmentarian youth (much in the same vein as skateboarders), a lot of them certainly board like assholes. There were, by far, a greater number of boarders out there being dumb shits than there were skiiers. Must be the age demographic.

And, I'm sorry, I know that boarders spend a lot more time sitting down just because of the logistics of the board. And they have to strap in and yada yada. But the slope is not a fucking lounge and I find it unacceptable for groups of 20 people just to CHILL at the top of lifts and at random places on the slopes like a bunch of sitting ducks. That's just rude.

It didn't help that some douche body-checked me partway down one run, causing us to both do 180s on the slope. Ah well, I could have fucked up just as easily, so I'm glad it wasn't me.

All in all, a good time, great workout and beautiful view. Maybe I'm one step closer to understanding just what the hell people find so appealing about hurtling down a frozen substance with a billion other people while avoiding stationery and moving obstacles. I'd still rather jump out of a plane for my controlled freefall. ;)

2005-02-24T20:54:00.000-08:00

writer's block
Argh, stupid culture shock story doesn't want to write itself... and I hate actually working to make something flow. I much prefer it when it just comes on its own.

I've probably psyched myself up about writing this one so much that I'll only be able to concentrate on it after I turn in a pathetic first draft on Monday.

And I'm stressing about the idea of relaxation... how sad is that? Justin, Rachel, Micah, and I are going to Hood River tomorrow to ski on Saturday. I think a day off will be good for me... if only I could get some progress on this before we leave tomorrow. >_<

2005-02-23T20:39:00.000-08:00

eat me!
So I'm sitting in class today munching on my trail mix and dried fruit. I hold up a piece of fig to take a bit of it and suddenly-- shock and surprise-- discover that I'm about to eat what looks like the mummified remains of a clitoris and labia!

Vagina Fig!

'Twas enough to make me lose my appetite. The roomates are suggesting that I put the Vagina Fig up for auction on eBay, on the off chance that it garners as many bids as that retarded carrot a while ago (I can't even remember what it was shaped like). I doubt Vagina Fig will make any money, but it may be worth a shot for the entertainment value alone. What do you think?

2005-02-22T17:25:00.000-08:00

static
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy...

More like makes Kat a freakin' psycho. I've had a serious problem with my work ethic lately. A serious problem, in fact, with all matter of things involving self control... eating, TV, Internet useage, sleep, concentration. Of course, the issue is stress, and the huge volume of work I have looming in front of me. I can't prioritize any of it, and there's just so MUCH of it that it all gets mushed together until it's impossible for me to concentrate on the present moment.

All that serenity I felt fall term about focusing on the Now has fallen away and I'm a total manic/depressive mess. Yesterday I finally got some of my work under control, but I'm struggling to do the same thing today. It's almost impossible to retain perspective without hyperventilating about term-end projects or thesis work.

So I'm back being a cynical, irritable bitch who can't stand to be around anyone. It's hateful. I resent other people because they can't conform to my expectations. I resent the world when it doesn't go my way. And I resent myself because I should be able to control my own pace and progress but can't even seem to do that. I'm exhausted and still sick (but recovering, thankfully) with no end of this madness in sight.

Everyone is looking forward to term end for a break. Admittedly, it will give me some relief but I have no plans for a break. My Spring Break is dedicated to uninterrupted progress on the magazine-- because the more I can get done now, the less likely the shit is to hit the fan when the thing goes to press. I just hope I survive.

2005-02-19T22:04:00.000-08:00

poo-poo
I feel like I died and was reborn as a plague victim.

I haven't been this sick in years... and I mean that above and beyond the fact that I haven't really been sick at all for two years. I'm really, really sick and I can't just let myself relax and go with the flow. I have too much stuff to do to lay in bed and contemplate a John Grisham novel or something. I figure that plucking away at the computer won't stress my body out much more than sitting on the couch watching VH-1 will anyway. But... eh. I feel like my throat is swollen to the size of a tree trunk, I talk like a man (when I'm not hacking like a chain smoker), I have a fever, and I can't concentrate. On top of that, it's just bad news after bad news.

I hate everything.

2005-02-17T15:10:00.000-08:00

the initiative
I've got an interview with a Japanese student at 4PM and until then I must sit here, biding my time, with absolutely nothing to do. My Media Literacy professor was out sick again and yet again refused to cancel class. Instead, he left us a hand-out expecting everyone to stay and not only discuss our projects in groups but lead group discussions on the readings we were assigned. Now, we can't even accomplish this when he's THERE, mostly because he gets caught up on some tangent for 40 minutes, so how does he expect us to get fired up when he's GONE?

Of course, no one in the class took the initiative to lead the discussion. Even I abstained, first because I didn't care enough to shepherd the entire class toward a conversation they didn't want to have, second because I already talk enough in that class, and third, less than half the class had probably done the reading.

I thought high school was over 3-5 years ago, guys? This is a 400-level class and it's not that hard. I'm surrounded by morons.

I'm still ill and I have a very low tolerance for the general incompetence of people. I swear if the emeritus faculty member upstairs calls me one more time today for a lack of basic knowledge about his computer, I'll start to cry. IT'S NOT MY JOB TO HOLD YOUR HAND, BUDDY. I fix computers here, yes, but this is what we call a "user-end" problem. RFTM, kthx.

I want to crawl into another bath. That felt so nice and worked so well. Argh, only an hour and a half to go...

2005-02-16T21:29:00.000-08:00

Tickticktick

"..."

I woke up this morning feeling... "off," and by the time I got home I felt like a steaming helping of crap. Still, this is nothing more than a precursor to illness, some minor body aches, fatigue, and throat scratchiness. I haven't been full-on sick for a couple years *knock on wood* so it wouldn't surprise me if I were better tomorrow. On the other hand, it wouldn't surprise me if my body's just decided it needs a vacation, too. So we'll see.

I'm plodding ahead on the magazine project. Last weekend Justin and I went to the mall, Goodwill, and some second-hand stores looking for kanji shirts with "bullshit" potential. I picked up many of the shirts with the full intention of returning them when they've served my purposes as material for a "fashion" feature in (my) Tanuki magazine. So far Hot Topic gets the biggest points for it's TOTALLY made-up kanji character on a shirt that reads "Anime Junkie" and appears to be copyrighted by "Fashion Victim" inc. Is the name of the company coincidental? I wonder.

We also sampled and "graded" some grocery store sushi for the 'food' section of the magazine. PC Market's fresh sushi? B at best. Trader Joe's? Surprisingly, a solid C-. Even stranger, the made-daily sushi at the campus convenience store looks like it will be better in price and quality than either of the two larger chains. But I haven't tried it yet.

Tomorrow and the next day I'm conducting interviews with Japanese and American students for the Culture Shock Triggers article. Hopefully I'll finish transcribing the 3-hour interview with clasically trained swordsmith Michael Bell either today or tomorrow.

All this so I can put in LONG, LONG hours this weekend and get a good burst of progress on content. At least I've been producing fairly decent writing for the things I have done. If only I all the time I wanted to spend on it. Alas.

Back on the personal health front, I've been having problems with the right hole of my right nipple piercing. No matter what I do, it seems to remain inflamed, tender and oozy. Must be partly because the strap of my messenger bag pulls on that breast. In my usual paranoid fashion, I went back to the piercing parlor (again) for my 3rd check-up in 3 1/2 months. Again, they took a quick look at it and told me it wasn't infected and I didn't have anything to worry about-- but to up my salt soaks. As if I have the ability to bathe my nipples while on campus or chilling in my office. >_< Grr. I picked up more saline wipes as a compromise and I've been packing them on. It seems that the problem is that I actually tore the hole a wee bit (it's considerably looser than the other 3 exit wounds). It's trying to heal the same way most owwies heal, with scabs and pus and that other fun stuff, but it keeps getting stuck to the metal of the barbell which then tugs at the skin and keeps the wound from healing. Fun times. It's not a big pain but I just want it to be better so I can enjoy it (or at least accessorize or something).

And with that, I'm off to take a bath so I can feel a little less like crap and a little closer to human.

G'nite.

2005-02-15T13:34:00.000-08:00

that thing you do

The jealous cat killed my boyfriend and tried to bury his body.

I had a wonderful v-day weekend with Justin, and I suppose I should have posted about it yesterday but it seems that whenever I sit in front of a computer these days I'm distracted by some form of work or research related obligation and haven't had much time to blog. We had some wonderful culinary experiences cooking dinners, desserts, and breakfasts for each other as well as a fine celebratory meal out at Chantrelle, quite possibly one of the best restaurants in town.

Sunday we ran the Truffle Shuffle as part of Team Country Vitamins. Because I'm a masochist, I had Justin sign us up to run the four-mile race. Though I know that nothing is physically preventing me from being able to run such long distances, I always have a hard time coping with the IDEA thereof. So before the race, I psyched myself out a bit.

Well, maybe I was terrified, which should have been easily remedied with some reassurance and by the fact that I'd ran three miles on Friday with no problem. But no, I freaked out right and left, first insisting that I needed my gloves (which I'd forgotten) and then that the weather was too crappy to run at all. We'd arrived there early, convinced that registration had to be completed an hour before the race. So by the time we actually lined up in the chute, I'd crapped myself out pretty bad.

Justin ran with me and let me set the pace, though he took some reminding at times. But I far too aware that he could easily outpace me and frustrated by the fact that his natural ability far exceeded my practiced ability. My tension and anxiety at all the people passing us gave me a godawful side stich somewhere toward the end of mile two, and I stopped. I was mortified, tried to walk it off, and ran again. It came back. I slapped myself, derided myself, generally tried to talk and beat myself through it, but I couldn't breathe. I stopped again and finally convinced Justin to run ahead without me.

I wasn't sure if I insisted he leave my side because I wanted to be angry if he did or if I knew that the pressure was just too much to perform under. Either way, I was peeved when he left me, running full tilt to shave minutes off his time, but I almost immediately felt better. After a few minutes, the stitch was gone and I picked up the pace, passing the lagging runners who had lapped me before. (I think this panicked some of them.)

Part of me contemplated yelling at Justin when I crossed the finish line. Angry at our compatibility, I just wanted him to go home. But that's the nice thing about running, if you can get beyond the aspect of self-punishment to it, it's rather cleansing. So by the time I was dusting some girl who tried to race me across the finish line, I felt much better... and like an ass for being such a whiney baby with so many mental issues.

See, that's the nice thing about my darling, he'll forgive me almost anything, and I've put him through endless amounts of bullshit over the last five years. By evening, everything was kosher again and he was making me tea while I started on my homework. I'm lucky to be with such a fabulous guy. Not many boyfriends will bake homemade meatloaf with mashed potatoes AND spank their girlfriends with a riding crop all in the same day!

2005-02-11T12:37:00.000-08:00

sharing is caring
Because it really is pathetic just how many hours of endless, passive amusement the Internet provides me (all when I ought to be doing something else), I thought I would share with you some of the most humeous sites I've come across recently.

The Chronicles of an African American English teacher in Kyoto, Japan.
Apparently some people can't believe this guy is factually representing Japan. I guarantee you that everything he says is true. ALL OF IT. It's really like that. And yes, it's an enthnocentric viewpoint but that's what it's like living overseas. I laughed my ass off when I read his editorials.

The Masked Grader. Some dude, a student at UT Austin, found a bunch of old papers that students had neglected to pick up. So he wrote comments on them in red pen and left them for the morons to find. I guarantee you'll find it shocking that college Freshmen can be this ignorant. It made me slightly nauseous... or was that the laughing?

Justin's coming down this weekend-- his first two-weeks-in-a-row stint for a long time. We're having a long visit, even, from 5PM today until early Monday morning. I feel like it's a bloody conjugal visit arrangement. What kind of way to organize a relationship is this?

OK, really, I'm not complaining... I'm used to it already, but it still sucks.

Valentines Day is lame, but we have dinner plans at Chanterelle on Saturday and we'll be running the 4-mile Truffle Shuffle on Sunday. In between now and Monday, we're gonna cook meatloaf and red potatoes, and maybe irish stew or lasagne. You see, my whole friggin life revolves around food. It happens pretty much every winter and I'm not sure how to prevent it or even if I want to. So I'll just fixate on delicious meals for now.

Work on the magazine is going well, all things considered. I'm not in a panic yet, as everything still seems feasible, but I really have to start hauling ass on writing my features. It's what, Week 6 of the 10-week term now? GUH. Anyway, this is what I've got on the docket for the publication:

Editor's note
Masthead
Table of Contents
Hajimemasho (getting started)
Languate tips
How-to Corner
Feature #1: The Life-Cycle of Culture Shock
Photo Essay: Mount Koya
Feature #2: Profile of Mike Bell, Dragonfly Forge smith
Feature #3: Engrish and Bad Kanji-- T-shirts
Travel Tips
On Screen & Page (anime/ manga)
Reviews (CD, book, movie)
Food column
Literature section (translation)
Comic
Endnotes

...

etc.

Everything's at least had some sort of planning done for it, and most things are partially or fully written. It's going to be a damn lot of work, but at least I've got the Internet to distract me.

2005-02-10T21:17:00.000-08:00

look at those shoes...

[ Festival of the Steel Phallus, Kawasaki ]

I'm being a bad, lame weblogger at the moment and slacking on posting. But really, what else is new? Every moment of my waking life is spent doing something for some project, somewhere. Yesss!

2005-02-07T13:50:00.000-08:00

'round in circles
On Saturday, the boy and I drove down to Coquille, Oregon via I-5 through Reseburg and then back up the coastal highway so we could have chowder in Florence on our way back. A big adventure for a big interview with Michael Bell, the head smith of Dragonfly Forge and a very practised, authentic craftsman of Japanese swords.

That's all I have to say on the subject for now, but will be back in more detail later.

2005-02-03T13:20:00.000-08:00

Focus
I'm trying not to let nostalgia or anticipation get the best of me while I finish up here at the UO. When those feelings take over is always when life starts to go downhill-- forgetting what's in front of you is the worst thing, IMHO, a person can do. Too many people I know are focused on what will happen next to save them from themselves, rather than what they can do, now, to change how they feel.

As usual, Winter Term is a struggle for me, but this year it's been a lot better. Nevertheless, coming across something like the link in the last post is almost always enough to send me into momentary convulsions. Because, really, my life situation at the moment is just one busy, boring routine. GUH.

Am I learning a lot? Yes, even though I'm in a stupor for at least 20% of every day. In fact, Justin and I have an interview with a traditionally trained (American) sword-smith of Japanese swords in Coquille, OR this Saturday. On a long shot, I also just attempted to contact Gwen Stefani's publicist to see if I could get a 15 minute interview. So far, little progress. We'll see.

I really want to dedicate all my time to my magazine project. But unfortunately for me, other classes and obligations always get in the way. Or I'm simply distracted by the Internet or some other form of mindless passive entertainment that slowly wicks away hour after hour of my time. Even when I intentionally sit down to watch TV with the mindset of taking a break, I find it hard to relax... I could always be doing SOMETHING, even working on the knitting I've forgotten about since Winter Break.

But really, about that distracting Internet... there's so much out there to annoy and entertain. There's an entire livejournal community dedicated to posters' questions regarding whether or not they're pregnant. Posts usually fall into one of three categories: 1) total dumbasses who didn't even consider protection, 2) girls with media induced paranoia about birth control. They're on the pill but still use the pull-out method every time... but suddenly they got semen on/in them and they're OMG FREAKING OUT. (children, please, it's called BIRTH CONRTOL for a reason). 3) airheads who wonder if they can get pregnant from touching a cabinet handle their boyfriend touched an hour after he masturbated.

Like I said, amusing stuff.

2005-02-02T20:44:00.000-08:00

I hate you, Internet.
I'm so nostalgic I could vomit.

*sigh*

Dear God, after I graduate, even if I don't have any plans to move back to Japan, could you make my life just a little Tokyo-kooky, so I don't get stuck in the same mind-numbing routine every day? kthx...

2005-02-01T20:10:00.000-08:00

Places I remember...

[ Hiro Coffee Farm, Yanbaru Mountains, Okinawa ]

The second day of our stay at Okuma Beach resort on Okinawa Honto, the weather was not cooperating. So we took our Japanese mini-mini rental car out for a spin. Up the Cape Hedo, where one can see northern islands on a clear day. For us, the waves crashed forbodingly against the shore and the wind threatened to dash us into the jagged rocks.

Because we had nothing better to do, we decided to round the northern tip of the island and drive along the east coast until we found a road that would take us back west. But before we were even halfway, the sky had darkened and the weather was getting worse. We huddled inside the car, wishing we could be diving or sunning. I just wanted a pair of long pants.

We were a half mile past the sign that said 'Hiro Coffee Farm' before I made Justin stop the car and turn around. Something about it-- a coffee farm, a real coffee farm, there in Okinawa-- was simply irresistable. We pulled up in front of a small house and what appeared to be a shed. What does on DO at a coffee farm, I wondered. Drink coffee? Buy coffee? Look at live beans? As it turns out, at Hiro Coffee Farm, at least on blustery days like the one we visited on, customers are shepherded into the "shack," which is actually a comfortable little coffeehouse, and served warm, fresh, coffee with cookies.

We probably didn't need a pot each... no, we REALLY didn't need a pot each, but at $4 a pop, how were we to know better? The coffee was delicious and somehow took the edge off of the windstorm outside. The wind ripped on the coffeehouse-shed open and slammed it shut again no matter how tightly we fastened it, but we sat inside entranced by the little gem we had. And before we left, the owner and his daughter(?) insisted they take a picture of us in front of their sign, just as we took one of them.

To me, this was one of the most precious moments of my Spring Break journey during my ten months in Japan, probably because it was so unplanned and unique. And this is why I love the internet-- because I can now share this story with others and find that others have already shared their story of the same. I found that news article on Hiro Coffee Farm doing a random google search. And boy, did the memories ever come rushing back.

2005-01-31T22:20:00.000-08:00

*snore*
This week is going to kill me... and it's only Monday. Going to bed at 11PM, getting up at 6:20AM, I simply don't have the energy to get done the things I need to do. Next term, NO MORNINGS EARLIER THAN 7:30AM WAKE UP.

2005-01-30T14:41:00.000-08:00

CRASH
There was a giant accident on 11th and Jefferson, just on the corner near my house. And ooh, guess what? I get to play police photographer!

This van allegedly ran the red light going southbound on Jefferson toward the fairgrounds. That light must have been REALLY red or else the driver of the lexus SUV the van T-boned was REALLY impatient. The Lexus spun 180 and slammed into the front foundation edge of the house on the corner. The van probably spun too, though I'm not sure. It was pretty freaking totaled. There were no extreme injuries, possibly a concussion and some internal bruising to a woman in the van. Luckily, her kids were OK.

2005-01-29T15:35:00.000-08:00

$$
One of the good things about being poor is the fat check the government cuts you in tax return at the beginning of each year. That is, IF you file your withholdings correctly-- which I, erm, didn't for a few years and had to PAY before I went to Japan.

This year, I only worked on US soil since August and didn't rack up much of an over-the-table salary. So I get all my tax refunded: $173, cha-CHING! It's pocket change in the grand scheme of things, but combined with my REI gift card it'll buy me a chunk of the backbacking gear I've been coveting for the summer.

2005-01-29T09:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Abby
Sometimes I surprise myself. Last night I picked up the daily paper from Rachel and Micah's kitchen table, read the comics and then skimmed the advice columns for a bit of trite amusement. The next thing I knew, I was sitting at Micah's laptop writing a curt response to Dear Abby via DearAbby.com.

The column in question? This one:

MOTHER WON'T ACT TO STOP GIRL'S ONLINE EXPLOITATION
DEAR ABBY: My brother recently discovered that his 16-year-old stepdaughter has been chatting online with a man in another state, up to and including phone sex. He went into her e-mail without her permission to see what was going on after she ran up a $300 phone bill.

When he confronted her about the bill, she lied and said she had been talking to a girlfriend. Her mother -- my brother's wife -- thinks her daughter would never do anything wrong and gets mad at my brother if he implies otherwise. He doesn't want to do anything about the situation for fear of her wrath.

I say, the girl's safety is more important than a fight with his wife. Do you know if there's a task force that he could e-mail this information to and remain anonymous? I would like to see that man caught before something horrible happens to this beautiful young girl. -- PROTECTIVE IN COLORADO

DEAR PROTECTIVE: The girl has been victimized by a predator. Your brother's wife is doing her daughter no good by behaving like an ostrich and pretending this incident never happened.

There are several things your brother can do. He should contact his local FBI office and/or visit the Web site www.fbi.gov and check out the area devoted to cyber crimes -- specifically crimes against children under "What We Investigate." If he is referred to his local police department, he should contact them immediately so they can investigate further. The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children also has an informative Web site, www.missingkids.com, which provides information regarding exploited children and an opportunity to report it.

Why did the column piss me off so much? If you know me well, it's obvious. At fourteen I was involved in an online relationship with a "man" in another state. I never did anything as stupid as running up a $300 phont bill-- only about $50-$100 a month and I paid all mine from my paper route. Now, if MY parents had known the full extent of my relationship with my internet boyfriend, they, too might have shit a brick. I was two years younger than the girl in the column... and for at least a year before that I'd been soliciting men online for cybersex by telling them I was eight or more years older than I actually was. Why? Because I was horny and curious. But was I stupid? NO.

My point? Without knowing the age of the "man" in question or the nature of the girl's reltionship with him, Abby absolves her of all responsibility for her situation. More than that, she suggests that her uncle and her step father make a drastic conspiratorial move against her, perhaps damaging her trust in her parents forever, rather than suggesting they talk to the girl in earnest.

My full response is rather lengthy (and therefore I doubt it will be published) but if you're really curious, you can read it here.

Now, I'm not familiar with Abby as an advice columnist and I've often only read her in passing. I don't have a particular memory of her being stupidly conservative, but maybe I'm getting more liberal and she's becoming a bitchy crone. What the HELL is up with this question and answer? Did she just tell this girl not to defend her opinions in class?

DEAR ABBY: At my school, a period of time is dedicated to discussing world events. My teacher, "Mrs. Jones," has often shared her opinions about world events and our government with us. She has very strong opinions and usually gets upset when anyone disagrees with her. One day when she was talking, I told her I did not agree with her opinion and got detention for it. Personally, I don't think I deserved one.

I understand that I shouldn't be rude to teachers, but I believe that my comment was respectful. Was I out of line? -- UNCERTAIN IN FRANKLIN LAKES, N.J.

DEAR UNCERTAIN: If the comment was disruptive, it may have been. It would have been more diplomatic had you voiced your disagreement after the class was over.

What? That's it? No "don't be afriad to stand up for what you believe in?" GRR. I sincerely hope that some of the major papers syndicate a columnist who is a little less of a conservative cow.

2005-01-27T20:25:00.000-08:00

Harajuku Girls
I have such a soft spot for J-pop culture. I went to iTunes and bought the whole Gwen Stefani Love, Angel, Music, Baby album on a whim after Justin told me today that she had a song that references Harajuku girls. [Hey, my $20 iTunes gift certificate has been sitting around untouched since October.] In fact, at least three songs on the album mention the gothic lolitas, and one's entirely dedicated to them. Stefani herself has a mod-squad entourage of four Harajuku Girls. (See photo album here.) Admittedly, Stefani's girls don't look very "true Harajuku" to me... they're much less gothic and more poppy than any I ever saw. But eh, it's still fun to pick out all the random Japanese references out of the album. Even though I'm not sure if the hyper-pop or Stefani's pronunciation of Harajuku as Hera-jewku will amuse me or annoy me to tears.

Well, I suppose I could say the same thing of the album as Ms. Stefani says of the Harajuku Girls in her song. It's "style detached from content."

2005-01-26T15:57:00.000-08:00

second opinion
See now, that's what I thought. I AM headed in the right direction with my thesis. The marketing and publishing research I'm doing, as well as the analysis of competing publications are exactly the sort of things that go into a critical essay. I don't have to bullshit after all. I need to keep on exactly the same track, adding to it with a personal critique that's based off more than self-reflexive bullshit.

I liked my second opinion much better than the first. And now I'm going to talk to another Honors College prof I had my freshman year. I feel like I'm shopping for thesis committee members. But so what, eh? I'm allowed.

2005-01-25T15:35:00.000-08:00

I give up
Today... just sucks. I'm physically and mentally exhausted and I feel like there's SO MUCH that I need to do (specifically my thesis work) that I haven't gotten to yet because I can't get to it. To top it off, the HC just tried to tell me that I ought to submit a FORTY PAGE analytic essay in addition to the 32 page magazine I am writing, directing, designing and publishing and the 10+ page marketing and magazine analysis that accompanies said magazine. I almost died on the spot until I realized I could get a second opinion. Fuck it anyway, all my energy for the day is gone now and I just want to start over.

2005-01-24T10:15:00.000-08:00

fog
The morning fog is back and it's down to the mid-thirties again, though it's supposed to be 62 later today. Hmm. My wardrobe is deginitely underprepared for this weather. I have about 15 sweaters and only 5 long-sleeved T's or button-downs.

I had a great weekend with the boy. Saturday, we didn't haul ourselves out of bed until 11AM and then spent the day preparing for our "Spaghetti feed" later in the evening, shopping for ground bison, veggies and pasta. I read while Justin cooked a delicious sauce. Then we went rock climbing together for several hours before dinner so we'd be sufficiently hungered to chow on pasta, salad, bread and wine.

Micah, Rachel, Justin and I all watched Hedwig and the Angry Inch for the first time. 'Twas the rockingist film, and much more accessible than Rocky Horror, even though they have similar followings. I was totally in awe of Hedwig's makeup.

Sunday J and I got up a whole two hours earlier and had breakfast at the Original House of Pancakes. Then we headed over to the UO campus to visit the public opening of the Jordan Schnitzer Museum of Art. I give the UO art museum thumbs-up for tasteful exhibits and a palatable size.

After we were all arty-farted out, we ran some errands (or rather, Justin played errand boy for me), read while dinner cooked, watched and episode of Ebichu, the Housekeeping Hamster, read more and took a nap.

Before Justin left, we did some collaboration on the article I'm having him assist with for my thesis project. Turns out that one of the best students and practitioners of traditional Japanese swordmaking in America is located in Oregon, 'bout 120 miles southwest of here. If we can get an interview with the dude at his forge, this story will be solid and sellable. Wewt.

Was a great weekend, nice enough to be worth chronicling here.

I found out last week, somewhat to my chagrin that my "family" got a dog. The quotes are there for a reason. Technically my sister bought the dog, is training it and paying all expenses. But she's (here's the chagrin part) going to some unknown college in the fall and will be spending her first year (at least) in the dorms, during which time the dog will stay at home. That's not to say the pup will be neglected. Though both my parents work, my littlest sister will still be coming and going from elementary school, and with all her older sisters in college she'll be getting some much-needed companionship and training in personal responsibility.

Here's what gets me. If it were my parents who'd acquiesced and purchased the pup, I'd have no beef with it. But sis here is getting the dog with full intention of passing it off in a few months. Even during that time, it will be spending time bonding with family members other than her. When she goes off to college, that dog won't be hers anymore. Yeah, animal loyalties can shift back and forth, but Justin saw the same thing with his sheepdog-- he went to Montana to visit his dad for a summer and when he came back Buddy's loyalties lay solely with his mom.

That, and purchasing a pet without a solid plan for living and income seems rather impulsive to me. Most people don't realize how much pets can and do cost per year. A month after I got my cat, he developed an abscess on his back and cost me a $300 trip to the emergency room. With food, treats, litter, toys and vet visits combined, he still probably only costs me $250 or so a year, but you can double that for a dog. My sister's probably well aware of this: she works in a pet store. But regardless, that job won't be hers for much longer. She has no idea what the responsibitilies of college will be like, much less what the responsibilities of keeping one's own house (with rent, bills, etc) included will cost and the time it will consume.

I got my cat only after I'd been living in a house for a few months, and then with a few reservations. I felt like an asshole leaving him when I went overseas-- but at least he had another parent. My other sister, who is college-aged at the moment, is also considering a pet once she moves into a house. I gave her all the cost-benefits for careful consideration. Maybe I'm just speaking from the perspective of someone with a co-dependent cat, but I really think that keeping a pet is a lot closer to child-rearing than many people realize. I'm against breeding without forethought, and in my mind buying a pet on a whim is the same as popping out a baby without thinking about it. Both you and the child will be damaged in the end.

This little Schepperke (named Lilu, after The 5th Element <3) won't be for any lack of love. This sister also a high-energy person, and while I still don't think she's got a full grasp of the responsibility she'll be facing with college, a dog, and an apartment, she at least is willing to pursue menial labor to make ends meet. So nobody's losing out... and I'm not really PO'ed as much as it may seem (sorry Liz) but the news is worth sharing with the rant, if just because I think everyone ought to keep their local Humane Society in mind when thinking about pets-- both because they need homes, and because they're there because some other poor fool couldn't handle the responsibility.

2005-01-21T16:27:00.000-08:00

heat wave
For every hour I spend in front of my computer during this gorgeous day, I must lose five minutes off my life.

It was 65 and sunny again. I don't know what's up with this January heat wave, but I'm not complaining. I'm sure the weather will get back to seasonal rain soon. I'm just enjoying the little glimpse of summer.

^_^

2005-01-20T19:46:00.000-08:00

f*ck drama
OK, I may be a b*tch on occasion, a cynic in the morning and sarcastic most of the time, but Drama Queen I am no longer. It be unsympathetic of me but I get so f*cking SICK of all the Drama Queens and Emo-Pain Whores (both male and female) I know. Most of these people I know only by proxy-- for good reason, because I can't STAND them. And you know the honest reason it makes me nauseous to be around someone with a lust for drama?

Because I used to be just. Like. That.

Even though it makes perfect sense, it shocks me how ignorant people are of their cycles of destruction. I hear them talk about the pain of living and how "no one understands." They whine and they carry on without realizing that the world isn't doing crap to them-- they're doing it to themselves.

Of course, they say they DON'T do it and they'd never WANT to put themselves through anything like their infinite pain. The big secret is that they DO want it. They need it to survive. They feed on drama because without it there is only fear of the unknown, the fear of making a choice that cannot be undone, the fear of leaving an addiction as serious as any drug.

I know some people I swear are victims of paranoid schizophrenia, codependency complex or narcissistic personality disorder. Some of these people need sereious professional help. Others just need to get over themselves. When I think that many of them will NEVER learn to truly be happy and will always lived trapped in a cycle of psychological violence against themselves, I get bloody angry. And this is my rage against the machine that is modern social depression. This is for all the zoloft, paxil, misprescribed ritalin and Thursday drinking binges:

WAKE UP. THE WORLD IS NOT OUT TO GET YOU.

Sure, there are some crazy f*cks out there. You may be one of them. But for Christ's sake, at least be a happy crazy f*ck. Stop waiting for it to happen. Stop basing your existence on something that will come along "someday" and save you. That something will never come until you realize that you already have everything you ever need.

Forgive your past, give up on the "golden future" and just live. F*ck the drama. It might make you feel Real but it's just another cocaine high. And it's not worth it.

2005-01-20T11:52:00.000-08:00

Weblogger's Meetup
Last night I enjoyed pizza and a bit of chit-chat at the third Eugene Weblogger's meetup. It was hosted, per the usual, at The Strand. Unfortunately, The Strand had decided for the second time to lure uber-liberal, hippie customers by broadcasting a ridiculous conspiracy flick at the same time as our meeting. Alas.

My neighbor Matt and roommates Torgie and Shanna went with. I've finally added Matt and a few of the Eugene bloggers (tvindy.com, followingedge.net, and junknstuff.net) to my links roster. Check 'em out.

2005-01-19T16:32:00.000-08:00

moving on
Yesterday, I passed by two old friends without speaking. By "old" friends, I mean people I knew prior to going to Japan and had some close acquaintance with-- but have now drifted apart from. People whom I don't really know any more for some reason or another.

Rather than stopping myself along my gravitational curve toward home, or class, or wherever I was going, if even just to say "hey," I kept on moving. Why? Because I'm tired of painful small-talk and failed reconnections... or maybe I just don't WANT to reconnect.

I looked back with slight regret at not asking "how are you doing?" The truth is that I'm doing fine, and somehow that means more to me than trying too hard to reignite the lost flame of friendship.

Does this happen to anyone else?

2005-01-18T13:59:00.000-08:00

jibun no imeji
The temperature here has over doubled in the last two days-- from 30 degrees to 64. It's like Spring outside, the hippies and the hoochies out in true form. If it were dry enough, I'd expect to see people playing frisbee on the lawn outside my office window.

I woke up at 6:30AM after a good night's rest, biked to the gym with Rachelry, ran two miles, stairclimbed, lifted weights, showered and went to class. I ate first breakfast (banana), second breakfast (clif bar) and an early lunch of a delicious pastrami and swiss sandwich I made myself.

On days like these (and, in fact, most of the time lately) I find it hard to imagine ever being uncomfortable in my own skin. When I began writing this blog in the November of 2001, it just another internet plea to be heard. Yes, I am the master of "navel gazing" as Monk calls it, and I did, in fact, start a blog so that the world could hear my sob story. As stupid as it sounds now, I don't really want to discredit myself. I was a pretty damaged individual.

Looking back, I find it sad and fascinating how much fear I lived with and how poorly I thought of myself. I consider myself lucky to have never been permanently damaged by any of the compulsions I toyed with.

I've been messing with this entry for the last half-hour or so and I can't quite get it to say what I want to say without sounding too self-help-bullshitty or too narcissistic so I guess I'll just paraphrase:

I'm so glad I feel good about myself. The way I looked at the world and the way I carried myself back then hurt SO much, every day. I was mired in so much CRAP that I can't believe I put up with.

I feel so liberated.

2005-01-17T17:35:00.000-08:00

Fifteen Things to do at Wal-mart

NOTE: I would never shop at Wal-mart unless I was absolutely desperate or needed a super-dose of corporate Satanic evil in my life. Nevertheless, I saw this and thought it was both funny and strangely appropriate. It doesn't necessarily apply to Target or other chain stores because they're not fucked up enough to have a GUN department.

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 2-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
(And; last, but not least!)
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

2005-01-15T16:05:00.000-08:00

Omoide Poro-poro

[ Children in Ooka-mura do a rain dance ]

I'm hopeless. Sitting at home with an electronic dictionary in one hand and a cup noodle in the other watching Studio Ghibli's Omoide Poro-poro (The Tears of Memory) in Japanese *only* because I can. And then, of course, because this always happens when I watch a Miyazaki film, I get all nostalgic and start to cry. But it's a good cry, though rather strange one, because the Japan I'm yearning for is a Japan I've never been to-- the early postwar countryside.

The Japan of manufactured modern nostalgia. It's like craving the childhood innocence that you never had. I don't think anyone can disagree that modern Japanese culture is intertwined with a nostalgia for the 40s, 50s and 60s inaka (countryside), and that that nostalgia has saturated every visual media.

I did a brief project/ presentation on Japanese nostalgia during my Spring semester at Waseda, which gave me a little elucidation toward the mindset, at least to why the older generation feels nostalgic for their childhood "summer homes," but I never really grasped how that nostalgia was passed to the younger generations, who don't share the same history. And what *really* puzzles me is how that nostalgia was passed to foreigners, like me, for whom that "innocent" Japan is entirely out of reach.

It makes sense but it doesn't at the same time. I do love those nostalgic Ghibli movies though.

2005-01-15T13:25:00.000-08:00

revue
I'm feeling lonely this weekend. Not so much lonely in the 'there's no one here but me' sense, but more like a friend has just left me. It's a feeling of malcontent that creeps into the hole where something that is now gone has been.

Why am I lonely? If I tell you, you'll laugh. I often get this feeling after I've finished reading a book or watching a tv or movie series. It's all over. The story is gone, done and complete. It's left me and all I have is the memory. The feeling can range from bad (even depressed) if the ending to the story is poor, incomplete or dissatisfying to a sort of dull, lustful ache if the ending was particularly good.

This time, I've just finished Full Metal Alchemist, a rather long (50 episode), involved anime series that was popular while I was in Japan. I've been watching this show since the beginning of last term, rationing it out to myself like a drug, and now it's all done and gone. The show did a good job of wrapping up nearly all the major loose ends and avoiding major plot holes (personal pet peeves of mine), but the ending still leaves something to be desired. Though the characters were developed beyond what I would have expected, I don't think they'd learned the lessons I though they would learn by the end of the series. Poop.

Now I'd better start on Ebichu- the Housekeeping Hamster as a pick-me-up. >_<

Last night I also watched The Bourne Identity for the first time. It was one of those movies that had been SO hyped to me by friends and family (everyone said it was absolutely great) that there was no way I couldn't have been disappointed. I just don't see what the big deal was. So Matt Damon managed to ACT. Woo-HOO. The movie was like a poster for the male fight-or-flight response.

Matt Damon: AGH! What the fuck is going on?!? I don't know! I'd better kill some peopel!!

The US Government: AGH! What the fuck is he doing?!? We don't know!!! We'd better kill people!!!11oneone

The whole thing was bloody stereotyped if you ask me. And was there a single creative use of rationality or good, old-fashioned communication? No, and that's why it's meant to be entertainment! God, sometimes I hate cinema. I can already guess the entire plot of The Bourne Supremacy: Matt Damon has a good time with his girlfriend-for-no-reason who has nothing better to do than be a fugitive... someone who isn't supposed to come after him comes after him and kills his girlfriend-for-no-reason... Matt Damon is pissed and takes revenge... Matt Damon discovers secret of past identity that has been kept from him... Matt Damon pursues secret to past identity while uncovering goverment conspiracy and actively taking revenge... Matt Damon makes amends with past identity without really finding out anything concrete. The end. Wait for third movie in triad, repeat.

... exciting.

And in other news, I dreamt I was selected for a reality TV show featuring webloggers. Was this a good dream or a nightmare? I can't be sure.

2005-01-14T11:41:00.000-08:00

'Tis true

Mr. Teapot says:
"As shit dissolves in a bucket, so are the days of our lives."

2005-01-13T15:31:00.000-08:00

bein' sandy
O what I wouldn't give to be lying on a Tahitian beach with a Mai Tai in hand right now.

That's the problem with winter, you see. Constant exhaustion, discomfort and irritability make it excrutiatingly difficult to NOT wish I were somewhere else, just relaxing and being. When I'm NOT present, when I'm miles away or miles ahead, it's remarkably easy for me to become irritated at my present circumstances. I also tend to become rather critical toward the behavior of others. (Let ye he who has not sinned cast the first stone, eh?)

So then I get all ranty, and that just makes me sandy, sarcastic and cynical. I've been rather behaving like a cunt these past two weeks, so if I know you and you've noticed, I'm sorry.

There's a lot of stress on the plate for me right now. All of the sudden it's time for me to be researching and composing content for my senior thesis project and I'm in a panic over that. The project, by the way, is a magazine I'm creating myself.

Finished, the magazine, called Tanuki, will be 32-pages, full-color, and full-bleed. It's a publication targeting Japanophiles that will focus on cultural crossovers between Japan and America, Japanese culture as it manifests in America, cultural events in Japan and travel tips, as well as a host of other tidbits. I'm hoping to create something that's a lot more intellectual than the average otaku 'zine intended to review anime, manga, video games and other toys. But I think that it will still be a really fun mag-- with a huge market.

Nevertheless, I'm only one woman, so composing all the content is a huge pain in the ass. I've contracted out some of the small stuff but I'm leaving all the main features for myself, both because I want credit and because I don't want to deal with editorial bullshit. I already did that for two years with the Oregon Voice and I don't want to do it again.

Unfortunately, I'm having trouble coming up with what seems like a solid idea for the third major feature story (1000-2000 words in length). Does anyone have any suggestions for a timely cultural piece either dealing with Japanese culture in America, cultural crossover issues or other relevant issues?

I'm devoting my long weekend to making progress on this project. I think once I get started it may actually turn into something fun. Until then I'm just going to keep biting my nails.